Good Christian? How Many Of These Things Are You Giving Up For Lent?

Lent is upon us and for the next six weeks Christians will be giving up anything from chocolate to watching TV. We’ve compiled 52 essential things to quit for lent, see how many you’re giving up and tell your friends how good a Christian you are!

1-3: Fallen Angel; 4-10: Decent Christian; 11-20: Good Christian; 21-30: Altar boy; 31-40: Disciple; 41-51: John The Baptist
52: Pope Francis

  • Flossing
  • Faith in Christ
  • Lean Pockets
  • The type of art where you make paintings out of your vomit
  • Sharing things on Facebook before doing 5 seconds of research to see if it’s made up
  • Telling everyone that the fish jumped out of the water and somehow got its mouth stuck on your penis by itself
  • Roller-blades (but not skates)
  • Making every bun a pretzel bun
  • Using the words “correctomundo” and “fo-sho” — See also: “epic”
  • Alcohol over 18% (ok, maybe 31%)
  • Indulgent chuckling
  • Ironic appropriation of AAVE
  • Having sex with your friends’ boyfriends (I heard Jesus would really appreciate it)
  • Pro-life bumper stickers
  • Complain-a-bragging
  • Eye contact
  • Chocolate flavored prophylactics
  • Asking to speak with your manager immediately
  • Taking all your self-loathing and personal frustrations out on the Kardashian/West family
  • Thinking about the country of Africa to make you feel better about your problems
  • Answering incriminating questions
  • Self-respect
  • The physical limitations of gravity
  • Using coupons
  • Your virginity
  • ALL television (but, like, TV-television. Not computer television. that’s different.)
  • Buzzfeed
  • Über and everything they stand for
  • Instagramming my breakfast
  • The Annual
  • “Wonderwall” by Oasis
  • Plotting revenge
  • Making ‘Fetch’ happen
  • Catching up on Game of Thrones before the next season
  • Having earbuds in for the sole purpose of not talking to your co-workers
  • Dipping triscuits in straight-up frosting
  • Wiping
  • Cleaning the litter boxes
  • Pooping in the litter boxes
  • CRAZY TALK
  • Football
  • Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Ugg boots
  • My Sherpa
  • My Sharona
  • My Giant
  • The Mayan Calendar
  • Mylanta
  • Lionel Ritchie’s Greatest Hits
  • Tickling bystanders
  • Walking up to unsuspected people whispering “I like the way your breath smells in the morning.”
  • Taking selfies of selfies
  • Drinking Jack and milk

Lisa Burl, Kevin ColeIsabel Duarte, Hannah Gutman, Lydia Hadfield,
David Luna, James McGarvey, Christine McQuaid, T.M. Scholtes

DiCaprio’s Final Post-Oscar Press Conference

As part of a once time honored tradition, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences would close every Oscar ceremony by hosting a press conference with losing nominees. For 86 years, Oscar losers would be carted out in front of a sea of reports and lambasted with questions as to why they failed to take home an award. Following the 2014 Oscars something changed that caused the Academy to erase all evidence of the post-show ceremony, luckily The Annual has obtained a transcript of that event:

-Mr. DiCaprio, how does it feel to have lost your fourth chance for an Oscar?

-Not great.

-Would you like to elaborate?

-No.

-But you’re so emotional in the movies, c’mon, give us some of that Leonard fire!

-No thanks.

-Leo, your Wolf of Wall Street costar Matthew McConaughey actually won the award for best actor, do you harbor any ill-will towards him?

-No.

-How do you think he beat you?

-He acted better.

-This is your fourth Oscar upset, what will it take for you to win?

-I keep acting.

-Mr. DiCaprio, the academy has watched you grow and evolve as an actor from the young age of 19 when you were first nominated for an academy award for What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. You’ve been nominated for your work in The Aviator and Blood Diamond, but overlooked for your role in such films as The Departed, Django Unchained, Revolutionary Road, and The Great Gatsby among many others. Have you resigned to the fact that you may never win an Academy Award?

[The room falls silent]

-Mr. Dicaprio?

[More silence, observing the footage, onlookers can notice the glass in DiCaprio’s hand begin to shake]

-Leo?

[The glass shatters in my hand]

-Oh my god! He’s doing the scene from Django!

[The crowd applauds]

-QUIET! I have worked day and night to hon my craft. To entertain. To put something real on film. All you people care about is this award, which OF COURSE I WANT! Why the hell else would I do a film about J. Edgar Hoover? Do you think it’s easy being Scorsese’s muse? You have no idea what it’s like to put in a hard days work. The truth is, the pursuit of this award is all I have to keep me going. Do you think I’d be making movies if I won after Gilbert Grape? God no! You’d never see me again. You people need me to lose this award so I can fill whatever empty space occupies your sense of self-worth. “Well if he can’t do it, I guess I’m doing okay.” But the one thing that brings me comfort, is that when all of this is done, and I die, I’ll make the front page of the New York Times, you’ll be footnotes in your hometown papers.

[Taking the shards of glass, Leo hurls them into the crowd and the room falls silent as he exits the stage.]

After that night, the Academy would never host another post-Oscars press conference with the losing nominees.

Kevin Cole

This Week on The Last Hurrah (2/9)

Kick off your week right with our newest episode!

69 – Tinder Live

During a special Friday Night taping of The Last Hurrah, Kevin is joined by the show’s new one-man-bandleader: Thom Huenger. Plus, a few of Frederick’s own Comedy Pigs stop by to party and sign some audience members up for Tinder. Will they find love in time for the Valentine’s Show?
Performers:
Thomas Scholtes
Callan Holderbaum
Laura Stark
Tinderers:
Julia W.
Pat M.
One-Man-Bandleader:
Thom Huenger

Subscribe and review the show on iTunes or stream it on LastHurrahLive.com

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Then, join us at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre on Sunday Feb 14th for a brand new adventure!

Finally, a comedy show for the lonely people… OR for those in love enough to test their commitment via a DATE IN A CAGE! Come get lovey dovey with us this Sunday!

METGIF

Super Bowl Offers Final Escape From 24/7 Election Coverage

(Washington DC) Last night’s big game offered the American public a fleeting chance to escape from the media’s fascination with the 2016 election. For an impressive 6 hours the nation’s collective attention was spent watch watching men physically brutalize one another, as opposed to the verbal assault seen daily in political news coverage.

Since September the public has endured a total of 13 debates with few chances for universal distraction, a new Star Wars movie, the occasional ball game, and Christmas day. Still this election season has been particularly difficult to ignore with heavy hitters like Donald Trump saying whatever it takes to make news on a daily basis. His statements, outrageous to some, and “refreshing” to an unfortunate margin has dominated casual conversation from the work place to the dinner table. It’s hard to escape the reach of this election cycle and the terror has only begun as political ads start to spread beyond the swing states.

On Sunday night, much of the country gleefully consumed miniature hot dogs and alcohol, knowing that this would likely be their last chance ignore the political atmosphere outside. While most saw the night as a moment for celebration, many living New Hampshire could note a dark turn in festivities once the first political ad aired during the game. Within twenty-four hours their state would be plagued with yard signs and endless pollster phone calls. For them the Big Game would offer a bleak reminder of the peaceful lives they once lived.

With the winner of Super Bowl decided, our nation stands on the brink of a dry-spell, with little to pull focus from politics. Optimists have pointed to the Summer Olympics as a forthcoming opportunity to take a break from the heated presidential election. However dwindling ratings from previous olympics paired with an increased fear of foreigners from the political right have analysts fearing that this year’s Olympics will do little to bring the nation together. We can only hope that Beyoncé will release a new album to provide us with a week’s worth of distraction sometime soon.

Kevin Cole

26 Clickbait Articles That You Have to Read!

There are so many great articles on the web and you won’t believe what they’re titled!

  • This Man’s Wife Gave Birth To A Scorpion. His First Dad Joke Will Kill You!
  • 21 life hacks for computer hackers!
  • You’ll never believe what happened after this woman smiled at a man in a CVS!
  • Disney Princesses reimagined as iPhones!
  • A soldier came home from war and his dog literally spoke to him!
  • This video of a little girl learning her ABCs will give you faith in literacy!
  • 12 cats with a picture of Christ appearing in their fur; number seven even has stigmata!
  • The 15 gifts you asked for and didn’t get for Christmas; and the Toys R Us employees you should murder because of it!
  • Top ten gifs of a human penis exploding!
  • These real life ALF look-a-likes will have you questioning society!
  • Read these real theories about the Illuminati, and go undercover protecting the secrets!
  • See all the men your mother has had sex with! You’ll never guess which number I was!
  • Five best ways to get molten candle wax out of your anus.
  • Princess Charlotte, cute? Or demonic porcelain doll? Look at these pics and decide!
  • Weekly viral videos that will have you asking, should I floss more?
  • See the top 20 dead teeth of 2015!
  • 2015 Celebrity Pets Naughty List
  • Top twenty most boring celebrity deaths of the decade!
  • Eight adorable ways to style your hair with just a rusty nail!
  • What your Mac and cheese preferences say about your sex life!
  • Twelve simple tricks to perform mind control on animals! You won’t believe number eight!
  • Fifty slugs that look like Donald Trump
  • This man dressed up as a toilet and hid in a women’s restroom… What happened next will warm your heart!
  • 5 items in the room that are giving you cancer RIGHT NOW!
  • The top super foods that are available at your local Home Depot

Isabel Duarte, Briana Haynie,
Christine McQuaid, Emily PerperT.M. Scholtes

Bernie’s Campfire – Radical Ideas from Iowa

In this week’s campfire address, Senator Bernie Sanders speaks about the results of the Iowa Caucus and some of the radical ideas he plans to bring to the White House.

Please send any questions you have for Senator Sanders to BerniesCampfire@gmail.com or tweet @SandersCampfire.

Click here to hear past addresses.

Continue reading Bernie’s Campfire – Radical Ideas from Iowa

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