The Annual’s Tips and Tricks for Surviving Thanksgiving

 

  • Graciously accept a glass of wine whenever your host (or hostess) offers one to somebody else.
  • Don’t skimp on the Turkey, there’s a smorgasbord of side dishes that everyone’s clamoring for-but none with enough tryptophan to put you out before halftime.
  • Try to picture your boring, naggy relatives in their underwear and watch them become your boring, sexy relatives.
  • Start a controlled fire in your deep fryer and enjoy the chaos that ensues.
  • Respect the post-thanksgiving feast nap, especially if the person taking the nap is your cousin who just got out of jail.
  • Always keep your keys in your pocket, you’re going to need them for a fast get away and for security when your uncle has had seven bud lights.
  • Beware of the over indulgent forks. You’ll know you have one when you feel full within five minutes of starting dinner.
  • Dress up like a dead turkey and stuff yourself in the oven. As a joke.
  • Don’t be afraid to let your rage fester, it’ll come in handy on Black Friday
  • If any of the following topics come up during dinner, retreat to the kids table:
    Who will carve the turkey, what gravy really looks like, who gets the last crescent roll, vegetarianism, veganism, abortion, The election, Israel, gay elmo, your grandmas toenail, tissue boxes, Lost, what was found in your baby cousins diaper, facebook pokes, “Kid’s don’t know the value of a dollar”, 4000 calorie dinner, running sports, jumping sports, fake sports, the favorite grandchild, “Justin Beiber is a lesbian”, “Lesbians aren’t real”, The lesbian your brother is dating, The color of grandpas booger which has just landed in the cranberry sauce, “How do I turn on my iPad?”, Steve Jobs ghost is possessing your aunts right pinky, When, where and how your mother lost her virginity, diabetes induced exercise, “Do you think Donald Trump’s pubes look like his hair?”
  • Invest in a pair of thanksgiving pregnancy pants available anywhere baby clothes are sold or in your 16 year old sister’s closet.
  • Remember that no one wants to know how the turkey carcas is perfect for your sculpture about meat eaters.
  • Tie your pets together and hold your own parade.
  • Burn the turkey; it will insure you don’t host thanksgiving next year.
  • Do an Al Roker impression. It’s the only day such an impression is relevant.
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