Kevin Cole, Nicolas Contreras, Cullen Dolson, Courtney McLaughlin
Earlier this week, Bill Gates offered a $100,000 grant for whomever can create the next generation of condoms. The new condoms would need to “preserve or enhance sensation” while preventing STDs and offering up incentives for use. Here at The Annual we have been hard at work developing the next generation of condoms and this is what we have come up with thus far.
First there are numerous standard features that absolutely MUST be included in the next-gen condom if it is to be successful at all. These include:
- Wifi Compatibility
- An achievement based system synced to Xbox Live
- A embedded microchip that would allow for “Thrust-tracking” enabling users to rack up “Frequent Fucker Miles”
- A POV Camera for in-depth investigations
The next-gen condom would also need to be reusable, machine washable, and potentially made from the same material as “those blankets at your mother’s house.” In addition, this material should be able to change colors with the detection of Sexually Transmitted Diseases.
The next generation of condom isn’t just a means to prevent unwanted pregnancies, it’s an effective marketing tool. With special Crossover-Condoms, companies can promote their products, in an arena where T-shirts simply won’t do. The following are just two of the countless, potential Crossover-Condoms to simultaneously revolutionize intercourse and marketing:
- Star Trek: The Next generation Condoms: Get ready to “Engage” with the Star Trek TNGC. Timed with JJ Abrams’ inevitable Next Generation reboot, these condoms will boldly go where no man has gone before. Be sure to pick up the Worf condoms, ribbed for her pleasure.
- Moonrise Condoms: The condom that waxes and wanes with the moon cycle, the menstrual cycle, and the Wes Anderson cycle. Includes an ocean sounds soundtrack, insta-tampon, and a struggling family with an absent father figure. Buy yours today!
Of course, all condoms will come Norton Antivirus approved and monitored, with 24/7 support. If any issue should arise (or fail to) simply call 1800-nortoncondoms. When it just can’t boot up, call Norton tech. “They made sure I wasn’t left hanging!”-proud Norton customer