Cullen’s Camp Itinerary

Cullen Dolson

Cabin Trip Schedule: Fucking Obey It

Day 1

4:00- Arrive at the cabin

4:01- Check for spiders

4:02- Orgy

7:00- Cleanup

7:30- Make a recklessly large bonfire

7:45- A hearty and raucous debate about what it truly means to be Jewish

8:00- So much food

8:45- Secede from the Union

9:00- STD-themed limerick writing contest

9:30- Whittling

10:00- Begin drinking

10:30- Group poop

10:45- Panel discussion of the Sasquatch: grizzly murderer or mythic liberator?

11:00 – Sonneteering contest

11:30 – A Lincoln-Douglas-style argument about the ubiquity of guns in America and liberty more generally.

Day 2

12:00- Sensual pushup contest

12:30- Musings on the duplicity of “the man” and his system of whorish double standards

1:00- S’mores n’ shit

1:30- Displays of admiration regarding Alex’s basketball prowess in the post

2:00- Sharing happy memories

2:30- Wyatt is thrown into the fire to burn for his crimes against the Confederacy

3:00- Group sing-a-long to Queen’s greatest hits album

3:30- Bored, typical, and unproductive planning about what to do next

4:00- Super Smash Brothers (don’t ask me how)

4:30 – The drafting of the constitution

5:00 – Sunrise

5:30 – Communal lamentation for all our failures

6:00 – White person store for nourishment

6:30 – Fetus

7:00 – The hunt begins

7:30 – Re-admittance to the union

7:28 – Slumber

2:00 – Wake up and kill the least favorite member of the group.

2:30 – Gather firewood

3:30 – Group count to one million

4:00 – Begin pagan ceremonies

4:15 – Get bored with pagan ceremonies and switch to playing monopoly

4:16 – Get bored playing Monopoly and have a dildo fight

5:30 – Draw straws for who has to give Alex his nightly enema.

5:39 – Eat a nutritious dinner… Nahhhhht just keep drinking dat alcohol.

6:00 – Two sides are formed: Orcs and elves. Do battle using only limp arms with toothpicks taped to the hands.

7:30 – Sexual campfire songs (“Kumbayahhhhh,” “Ba Ba Black Penis,” “Apples and Bananas,” etc.)

8:30 – Act out various scenes from “The Santa Claus 2”

10:30 – Scripture reading

11:00 – Group poop part dos

11:30 – Mount Wyatt’s head on a stick

Day 3

12:00 – Puppet show!!!!!

1:00 – Somebody proposes to a woodland creature, but gets denied

1:30 – Start our own religion based on the worship of human feces

2:00 – Realize that nobody will want to join that religion, so we cry for a bit

3:00 – Find a long-lost relative of Alex in the woods

3:15 – Accuse them of being adulterous

3:30 – Scattegories

4:30 – Discover the cure for cancer

5:00 – Forget it

6:00 – Sleepies

8:00 – Discuss who we would bring to repopulate if we were shipped off to Venus post-destruction of Earth

9:00 – Trade one member of the group to a passing hobo in exchange for fresh moonshine

9:30 – Tidy up

10:30 – Gladiator

11:30 – Play sardines

12:00 – Someone contracts herpes

12:15 – Argue about the true meaning of the phrase “I am what I am, but I’m not a yam”

12:30 – Decide that is some stupid Latin shit

1:00 – Write an Epic of the weekend with Alex appearing as a filthy Minotaur and Cullen as a glistening demigod

1:30 – Pack up and go home


Cullen’s Camp Itinerary was originally published in The Annual #002 and be purchased here.

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