Cullen Dolson
Cabin Trip Schedule: Fucking Obey It
Day 1
4:00- Arrive at the cabin
4:01- Check for spiders
4:02- Orgy
7:00- Cleanup
7:30- Make a recklessly large bonfire
7:45- A hearty and raucous debate about what it truly means to be Jewish
8:00- So much food
8:45- Secede from the Union
9:00- STD-themed limerick writing contest
9:30- Whittling
10:00- Begin drinking
10:30- Group poop
10:45- Panel discussion of the Sasquatch: grizzly murderer or mythic liberator?
11:00 – Sonneteering contest
11:30 – A Lincoln-Douglas-style argument about the ubiquity of guns in America and liberty more generally.
Day 2
12:00- Sensual pushup contest
12:30- Musings on the duplicity of “the man” and his system of whorish double standards
1:00- S’mores n’ shit
1:30- Displays of admiration regarding Alex’s basketball prowess in the post
2:00- Sharing happy memories
2:30- Wyatt is thrown into the fire to burn for his crimes against the Confederacy
3:00- Group sing-a-long to Queen’s greatest hits album
3:30- Bored, typical, and unproductive planning about what to do next
4:00- Super Smash Brothers (don’t ask me how)
4:30 – The drafting of the constitution
5:00 – Sunrise
5:30 – Communal lamentation for all our failures
6:00 – White person store for nourishment
6:30 – Fetus
7:00 – The hunt begins
7:30 – Re-admittance to the union
7:28 – Slumber
2:00 – Wake up and kill the least favorite member of the group.
2:30 – Gather firewood
3:30 – Group count to one million
4:00 – Begin pagan ceremonies
4:15 – Get bored with pagan ceremonies and switch to playing monopoly
4:16 – Get bored playing Monopoly and have a dildo fight
5:30 – Draw straws for who has to give Alex his nightly enema.
5:39 – Eat a nutritious dinner… Nahhhhht just keep drinking dat alcohol.
6:00 – Two sides are formed: Orcs and elves. Do battle using only limp arms with toothpicks taped to the hands.
7:30 – Sexual campfire songs (“Kumbayahhhhh,” “Ba Ba Black Penis,” “Apples and Bananas,” etc.)
8:30 – Act out various scenes from “The Santa Claus 2”
10:30 – Scripture reading
11:00 – Group poop part dos
11:30 – Mount Wyatt’s head on a stick
Day 3
12:00 – Puppet show!!!!!
1:00 – Somebody proposes to a woodland creature, but gets denied
1:30 – Start our own religion based on the worship of human feces
2:00 – Realize that nobody will want to join that religion, so we cry for a bit
3:00 – Find a long-lost relative of Alex in the woods
3:15 – Accuse them of being adulterous
3:30 – Scattegories
4:30 – Discover the cure for cancer
5:00 – Forget it
6:00 – Sleepies
8:00 – Discuss who we would bring to repopulate if we were shipped off to Venus post-destruction of Earth
9:00 – Trade one member of the group to a passing hobo in exchange for fresh moonshine
9:30 – Tidy up
10:30 – Gladiator
11:30 – Play sardines
12:00 – Someone contracts herpes
12:15 – Argue about the true meaning of the phrase “I am what I am, but I’m not a yam”
12:30 – Decide that is some stupid Latin shit
1:00 – Write an Epic of the weekend with Alex appearing as a filthy Minotaur and Cullen as a glistening demigod
1:30 – Pack up and go home
Cullen’s Camp Itinerary was originally published in The Annual #002 and be purchased here.
