Parenting Advice

Briana Haynie

As a mother of three fully-grown sea monkeys, I am completely qualified to express my disappointment in the lack of tough parenting in this great country. Whatever happened to the “push them out of the nest and they’ll fly or die” mentality first held by our ancestors, the pterodactyls? Or, “Happy fifth birthday Johnny. Here’s your factory ID slip. Now go support our family, and don’t get your hand stuck in the machinery”? These were the tough values by which we used to live. Now look what we have: Grown adults living with their parents, pretending to look for jobs when we all know they’re posting YouTube videos of themselves doing shots of Windex (sweet with a tangy aftertaste).

“Bullshit!” I say. “Complete excrement from a bull!” This is not how our forefathers imagined future America when they signed the Declaration of Independence. They probably didn’t picture slaves and women as their equals, either, but that’s not the point. What matters is that we as parents must stand up to our children when they come to us, snot in their noses and tears in their mouths, because the latest Die Hard movie sucked. We need to say, “Deal with it!” and flush them down the toilet of life to fight for survival in America’s sewage. It’s the only way to restore America to her previous glory. Don’t believe me? Well, I have proof. Ten years ago I flushed my little sea monkeys down the toilet, and now, as told to me by my own mother, they are living a happy and prosperous life under the sea. I hope to see my monkeys again one day, but for now I am comforted by the knowledge that I was a good parent. You can be good parents too, America—just flush your kids down the toilet of success. God bless the U.S. of A.

Parenting Advice originally appeared in The Annual #002! Purchase your copy today!

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