Pooping is perhaps the most understated intellectual activity. Science has proved countless times that people who take their sweet time on the john lead happier, more successful lives. However, what do you do when you don’t have a john?! Such is the case in The Wilderness. Reader, don’t distress! It’s quite fece-able to have a superb poo, even when out in the woods. Here is my advice:
1) Find the perfect spot.
Look for beautiful scenery away from the rest of the world. Let this spot be a serene poop-haven. This will enhance the poop/pooper relationship tenfold. It must calm the soul (and the bowels) and make for the easiest of poops. The goal here is to not even feel the loss of your fecal friend.
2) Find the best implement for wiping.
My personal favorite—a good pine cone. Not only does it successfully remove all extra stragglers, it’s rough exterior serves a double purpose as it exfoliates your down-belows. This all-natural approach to wiping leaves no trace but a baby-soft buttocks.*
3) Look for woodland creatures simultaneously enjoying a delightful poo.
There ain’t nothing better on God’s green earth than sharing a poop experience with our furry friends. Notice I said “furry” friends. This, of course, refers to our mammalian allies. Why not our reptile friends? Science has proven that these animals don’t poop. Instead, they reverse synthesize that fecal matter back into the atmosphere. Look it up—it’s science. (For more information on the pooping habits of reptiles, tune in to future columns!)
4) Most importantly, be sure to make use of this wonderful time for introspection and meditation.
I mean, where would be today if our great leaders did not make use of their own poop-time meditation? Abraham Lincoln took a seven-and-a-half hour meditative poop in the middle of the White House Garden when writing the Emancipation Proclamation. That is a whole shit ton of dedication, if you ask me (and a likewise hefty sized poo, I might add)! Dante Alighieri wrote his Divine Comedy during his stint in a secluded shack in the Apennine Mountains! Hell, Gandhi practically invented pooping!
So, do not shy away from your poo. No—embrace your time alone with an intellectual fervor like that of our greatest thinkers (and stinkers) of time gone by.
*CAUTION: Go with the grain.