People of the United States Vs. Tubular: Portable Yogurt

Courtroom Transcript




Petitioner :

v. :



Washington, D.C.

Wednesday, March 12,2013

The above-entitled matter came on for oral arguments before the Supreme Court of the United States at 10:18 a.m.

ROGER C. BUMKISS, ESQ., Cambridge, Massachusetts; on behalf of Petitioners.

PAM D. CLEMENT, ESQ., Washington, D.C.; for Respondent.


CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: We will hear arguments this morning in case 80-085, United States v. Tubular: Portable Yogurt. Mr. Bumkiss?



MR. BUMKISS: Mr. Chief Justice and may it please the court:

The American people are being played with the skilled precision of Billy Joel. Tubular has been bamboozling its own base for nearly fifteen years.

Yes, Tubular began innocently enough. Promising nothing more than portable yogurt in a tube but as the prospect of striking it rich settled in the good people at Tubular quickly changed their rhetoric to promote a product that at its core is everything but what it claims to be.-–

JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR: Do you mean to tell me that Tubular is not actually portable yogurt?

MR. BUMKISS: Quite the contrary your honor, that’s all it is. Yogurt in a tube–

JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR: I fail to see how this constitutes deceit, let alone “treason.”

MR. BUMKISS: Your Honor, the issue lies not with the product, but its presentation. Tubular Inc. has surrounded its portable yogurt with such a hip and young image that one can hardly recognize the fact that at its very core it is nothing more than yogurt. They’ve insisted that their very product is, as the kids say, “extreme,” “Tubular,” and “far out, bro.” It’s commercialism brainwashing the masses so that yogurt is synonymous with fun. I’d like to call my first celebrity witness to the stand–

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: Mr. Bumkiss, may I remind you that we are only in the presentation phase, and that we will see witnesses later on in the prosecution?

MR. BUMKISS: Are you sure? I’ve got Tony Hawk lined up and ready to go.


MR. BUMKISS: But he revolutionized the way skate boarding was perceived by modern day video gamers–

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: It’ll have to wait.

MR. BUMKISS: Well, to close my opening argument, yogurt is yogurt. No amount of packaging or marketing ploys will change that; the American public deserves to have their dairy products treated for what they are and not some overhyped accessory for the next X-Games champion.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: Thank you Mr. Bumkiss. Ms. Clement?



MS. CLEMENT: Mr. Chief Justice, and may it please the court:

The good people at Tubular: Portable Yogurt never intended to deceive the public. Perhaps their rhetoric got out of control, but by the time it became noticeable they had grown to believe it themselves. Which begs the question: can something as mundane as Yogurt grow to become something truly “radical?” Perhaps, the American Public was never betrayed, but simply grew to acknowledge the full potential of what yogurt could be.

MR. BUMKISS: Objection! Your Honor, if I may call my expert witness, Tony Hawk to the stand he will explain ho–


MS. CLEMENT: Thank you, your honor. Yogurt has emerged as perhaps the greatest dairy product, second only to cheese. It contains all the nutrients of milk, with added flavor and “on-the-go” capabilities. You can’t carry a gallon of milk with you in your lunch box, nor can it be frozen into a desert that manages to be both healthy and delicious.

MR. BUMKISS: Objection! Your Honor, nutritional facts aside, soft serve ice cream is a far superior treat than any flavor of froyo.


MR. BUMKISS: Let the record show that Ms. Clement is poorly hiding a hickey on the left side of her neck.

MS. CLEMENT: Let the record show that Roger is still bitter over the recent termination of our marriage and that any and all references to my appearance should be taken with a grain of salt.

MR. BUMKISS: I move to have that last motion stricken from the record, as I am most definitely not bitter.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: Overruled. Ms. Clement, please continue with your defense.

MS. CLEMENT: Thank you, Your Honor. If I may turn your attention to Exhibit B, you will find the polygraph tests of Tubular’s top executives. By observing these tests we can see that they unanimously agree that Tubular Portable Yogurt is an extreme substance. The case against Tubular is nothing more than a frivolous lawsuit that has been overhyped by the mainstream media, and Tubular should be allowed to proceed in their practice of manufacturing yogurt, which may easily be consumed on the go.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: Thank you Ms. Clement. Mr. Bumkiss, you may call you expert wit–

MR. BUMKISS: I CALL TONY HAWK TO THE STAND! Let the record show that Mr. Hawk is entering on his skateboard. He is grinding across the pulpit in front of all the Supreme Court Justices, pulling off a kickflip before landing in the witness stand all while drinking a Mountain Dew Code Red. Proving that he still is the coolest.

Mr. Hawk, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, not a fib shall slip your lips, not a lie may be uttered, just the truth, the very truth, which you would tell your mother were she to ask, so help you God?

TONY HAWK: I do. That line’s a lot shorter on television.

MR. BUMKISS: They have to adjust for commercials. Speaking of which, you starred in a commercial for Tubular Portable Yogurt back in 1998, true?


MR. BUMKISS: Is it true that you are no longer under contract with Tubular Portable Yogurt, and you are now able to speak freely about their product?

TONY HAWK: This is true.

MR. BUMKISS: Could you speak about your experience with Tubular?

TONY HAWK: Sure thing, dude. When I started working for Tubular everything was totally rad. They had these kickin’ offices and they asked, “Do you like yogurt?” I said, “Hell yeah, bro” because who doesn’t like yogurt? Then they said, “What if we told you that you could enjoy yogurt while skateboarding?” I said, “Get out!” and they collectively left the room, leaving me alone to consider whether I truly believe that I could enjoy yogurt while skateboarding. It took a long time to convince myself that it was possible, but I soon came to believe that it was the logical progression for yogurt. The suits came back into the room, and I told them I was in, we shook hands, I signed some papers, showed them this sweet 360-kickflip I was working on, and then I skated off into the sunset.

MR BUMKISS: So far this all seems to align with Pam’s line of thinking, but tell us about the commercial, Mr. Hawk.

TONY HAWK: It was simple enough, I would rocket down a half pipe, do a ninehundred-indie-kickflip all while sucking on some sweet yogurt. No problem, right? Wrong! Turns out there is literally no proper way to hold a tube of yogurt while skateboarding and not get it everywhere. If you hold the bottom you might as well hold it upside down. The middle, you’ll lose half your yogurt. Even if you hold it from the top, you get a palm full of dairy. You can’t grind while gripping yogurt. Eventually they emptied the tube and shot the ad without the real product. But even now, after all these years I think, “Maybe I was wrong,” and I go out to private skate park and try to ride with a handful of yogurt, but it simply cannot be done.

MR. BUMKISS: Thank you, Mr. Hawk; that will be all. As you can tell from Mr. Hawk’s testimony, some things simply don’t change, they don’t naturally evolve and they don’t get better over time. An idea like yogurt in a tube may sound great at first, but once it goes bad you can’t keep lying to yourself and insisting that leaving me was the best choice. I’m not going to stop loving you, Pam, just like Tubular Portable Yogurt will never be extreme. Like the mess on Tony Hawk’s hands, I am a mess without you. Can’t you see, Pam? This isn’t about yogurt; this is about us.

MS. CLEMENT: Roger, is this really how you want to spend your first Supreme Court Case–

MR. BUMKISS: I love you, Pam!


MR. BUMKISS: Let the record show that Chief Justice Roberts has been moved to tears.

JUSTICE GINSBURG: Goddammit! For the past twenty years I’ve witnessed this shit, and I’m sick of it! Every unhappy couple thinks they can just land a Supreme Court Case, and suddenly it will all work out for them. Newsflash! This ain’t Supreme Divorce Court! This isn’t a magical place where all your troubles go away. You’ve got to work at it. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Look at you, bickering over yogurt like it was the last thing you had to hold on to. And you call yourselves Esquires. Clean yourselves up and go back to law school. This case is closed, I find in favor of Tubular Portable Yogurt, as they may do whatever the hell they want! Ruthie B out!

The People of the United States Vs. Tubular: Portable Yogurt first appeared in The Annual #3!

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