Are you datable?
A highly concentrated personality test to see if you have what it takes to date Kevin Cole, The Annual’s Editor-in-Chief.
- Are you my sister?
- Can you prove it via extensive blood testing?
Section One Results:
All “Yes”: Well, if you really went through all that trouble to get blood testing done… fine, I’ll date you, but only because you’re so damn persistent
No, Yes, Yes: We’re off to a great start, but to be safe, lets proceed to section 2.
All “No”: It’d be a gamble to keep this going, but you gotta know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em. Proceed to Section Two.
My sister, like all sisters, has a name. Her name happens to be “Karli,” a common name containing two variables and can be easily explained using the following mathematical equation.
If you are not named Karli in any capacity, please continue to Section Three, otherwise solve for X and Y.
A) x=K; y=I
B) x=C; y=I
C) x=K; y=Y
D) x=C; y=Y
E) x=K; y=IE
F) x=C; y=IE
Section Two Results:
A) Look, you’re clearly my sister. It’s well documented that you are the only “Karli” out there. I should’ve never taken that gamble in Section One. I’m sorry but your journey ends here.
B, C or E) Looks like you’re one or more variable away from being my sister. Do you really want that kind of connection? It will only end in the most awkward love-making session of our collective lives.
D) CONGRATS! Your name contains the ONLY workable combination of variables. To the naked ear, “Carly” may sound exactly like “Karli,” but I promise you I am pronouncing it differently. Somewhere in my head, your name triggers no alarms. Nothing weird about it. Lets move on to Section Three!
F) While none of the variables line up to create “Karli,” the jury is still out on the standing of “IE” combinations. You may proceed to Section Three, but do so with caution for the odds of heartbreak are high.
How old are you?
A) 17 or younger
C) 20 or older
Section Three Results
A) What is wrong with you?! No, I won’t date you. You are a child! Don’t try that “I’m a young adult/the heart wants what it wants” shit on me. How are you even reading this? Where are your parents? They shouldn’t let you read this filth; we publish the F-word free of guilt. You’re out sister!
B) As of 2013 you are as old, or younger than my sister. So by the transitive property, to date you would be to date my sister. Sorry, but the buck stops here.
C) No further clarifications here. On to Section Four!
Will you marry me?
Section Four Results:
Pick whichever you want. I have five projects going on at any given time, and I recently saw a news story about how you can literally work yourself to death. It’s fine if you’re afraid of commitment; you’ll only have to put up with me for about ten more years. The point is I don’t have much time, so come and get it before it’s gone.