Since the beginning of time, man has swatted at the pests that fly all up in our grills. I believe it was the prophet Jeremiah who first said, “Man! Get these muddafuckin buggy things out my face.” These pesky creatures have been referred to as the “longest plague ever to exist on earth” (no source found). But are these insects truly unruly, or do they have a deeper purpose? I consulted an expert on all insect-related matters, he’s known as…
Cullen Dolson, Interviewer: Hello, you fine hunk of man. How are you today?
Cullen Dolson, Mosquito Expert: Ha! You’re too kind, you specimen of pure delight. I’m doing fine, thanks. And yourself?
CDI: Well, thanks. What do you say we get right down to the matter at hand? There’s something that’s really been bugging me, and I believe you have the answer. Are mosquitoes actually the evil little bastards people make them out to be? Or are they secret keepers of ancient mysteries?
CDME: Well, it is indeed a very complicated history, the story of our flying friend. You see, little is known about what God did on the days immediately following his first crazy week. What is being uncovered now (and I mean right now—literally, I’m coming up with this as I speak) is that God created a few things after surveying the whole scene.
CDI: What?! That’s not what I learned in Sunday school! This is gonna sting!
CDME: Yeah…sure. Anyways, God saw that there was a need for a few more creatures. Seeing as this interview focuses on our airborne amigo, we will focus on him. The mosquito was made to be the original blood transfusion device, taking blood from those who have plenty and delivering it to those who are in great need. Nifty, right?
CDI: I’ll say!
CDME: Please don’t.
CDI: Don’t what?
CDME: Don’t say. You know what? Never mind, this is stupid.
CDI: Okay, sorry. I’ll try to beehive myself.
CDME: Did you just…? Whatever. Anyways, the mosquito was the first blood transfusion device, and this worked well for a while. That is, until horrible diseases came along. The mosquitoes didn’t know what to do. They wanted to keep transmitting this blood, but they could never know which blood was good and which blood was bad. So they kept going strong.
CDI: Wow, that is really something, isn’t it?
CDME: Well, yes, of course it is something. It’s certainly not nothing. What is your deal?
CDI: No deal—I’m actually doing this for free. My friend Kevin is a really great guy, and he asked me to write some articles. So, I am.
CDME: This Kevin sounds like a real piece of poo.
CDI: Oh, I don’t know about that. I think he’s eggcellent!
CDME: What the hell was that?
CDI: What was what?
CDME: You just said “eggcellent.”
CDI: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
CDME: And earlier you said “beehive” yourself instead of “behave.”
CDI: Sir, I think you are just going to have to sit back down. Unless you would prefer to communicate by dance?
CDME: No! Stop with the bug jokes! Do you think this is some kind of joke? I uncovered the real purpose of mosquitoes! Every time you swat one you may be costing someone else the chance to live. How do you feel about that?
CDI: Well, I believe it will certainly cause a buzz.
CDME: Son of a bitch!
(Raucous fighting ensues)
CDI: (amidst punches) I’m sorry, did you say itch? “Son of an itch?” Well then maybe it’s time to check for fleas? (more punching)
And so, dear reader, next time you come across one of these supposed winged wankers, try not to think of them as such.
Instead, regard them as aviating answers to life.