BREAKING: Local Team To Just Pack It In After Interacting with Fan Base on Social Media

DALLAS – A push toward an increased social media presence has backfired for the Dallas Mavericks. According to Marketing Director Brian Stewart, “All we’ve been told by new media experts is to interact with the fans more. So we started posting videos the players take at team meals and fun costume contests for them to enjoy. Last October we wished everyone a Happy Halloween, and posted a pumpkin with our logo carved in it.”

However, Stewart explained the team has not received the reaction it expected. An investigation into the Facebook post’s comments reveal the team’s supporters just wanted to stick their penis in the pumpkin holes and fuck it.

Stewart noted that whenever the team’s German-born center Dirk Nowitzki does anything—good or bad—he is called a Nazi. “It’s really not clear if our fans are pro- or anti-Nazi,” Stewart said.

“We also have an area where people can submit fan photos of Mavs stuff, but we haven’t been able to publish a single picture, because they’ve all been penises. Tons and tons of penises,” Stewart lamented. “One in a hundred will maybe try to draw our logo on the shaft, but that doesn’t make it much better.”

Moving forward, the team is working on a new plan. “We’ll either just close all team activities to the public—practices, games, everything—or we’ll just leave and maybe go to another city. It’s ridiculous we play here to entertain these assholes,” Stewart said. As of press time, every other city in the world also contained tons of assholes. Penis-wielding assholes.

Scott Travers, AP

This breaking news was originally published in The Annual #5

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