A December to Remember

Andrew Michaels

Artwork: Parker Benbow

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Bathtub Party Day (December 5th)

Grab your bubbles and rubber ducky! It’s Bathtub Party Day! This infamous day in history marks the first time someone had the idea to toss his clothes aside and soak in a tub of water. His name: Sir Bathacus Tubman.

While paddling in his canoe along the shores of Lake Erie, Sir Tubman was preparing to cleanse himself after a hard day’s work. After finding a decent area, he stripped off his clothes and began soaking in the lake. Sir Tubman enjoyed the family of ducks that surrounded him, but dreaded the slimy weeds and mud sliding around his feet. As he climbed back into the canoe, Sir Tubman noticed the clear water that collected on the canoe’s wooden floor. At that moment, he knew what he had to do.

With the help of his brother, Rub Tubman, Sir Tubman built the first prototype of his invention: the bathtub. News of this revolutionary cleansing contraption spread throughout the town and, soon, the country. December 5th marks the anniversary of the completion of Sir Tubman’s first bathtub. So, in the final words of Sir Tubman, “Rub-a-dub-dub, have celebration in my tub.”

*Fun Fact: In the following years, Sir Bathacus Tubman named his new invention, the rubber duck, after his brother, Rub Tubman.

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Put on Your Own Shoes Day (December 6th)

A day treasured by parents, a day despised by children. The following excerpt, titled “Satan’s Shoe Monger,” is from the continuing series, A History of Hellish Teachers.

Billy Tuckerson, age 10, Aces Elementary School

Journal entry #6, Monday, December 5th, 1804

Ms. Elworth sent us home with a bizarre homework assignment. ‘Tomorrow morning, as the sun rises from the depths of the sky, you must all put on your own shoes. Anyone who receives assistance from a parent or guardian will be mocked and criticized for their inferiority.’ I knew she was a blasphemous whore, but I never thought she would steep to this level. We will have to see what happens in the morrow. Until then, journal, goodnight.”

Journal entry #7, Tuesday, December 6th, 1804

“At least I did well. Last night, I spent hours learning how to tie my shoes. Once I managed to get them somewhat tied, I slipped them off, making it easier for myself to put them on in the morning. So, today at school, I realized that I was one of five who came in with a successfully completed homework assignment while the other six in the class did not. Needless to say, it was an amazing class. The five of us shoe-tiers spent the whole day whipping the others with their untied shoelaces and stepping on their uncovered toes. As my mother says, ‘It suckeths to sucketh.’ What a great day!”

If you’re a parent and you actually love your child, do us all a favor and buy him Velcro shoes.

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Take it in the Ear Day (December 8th)

Take it in the Ear Day originated in Lithuania and has slowly made its way to the United States. On this beloved and/or despised national holiday, people of all ages shove unexpected items into others’ ears followed by yelling the phrase, “You just took it in the ear!”

Here are the most common items that have been ear bound:

Pencil erasers: Sometimes accompanied by the words, “Let me erase that earwax for you.”

Licked finger tips: Often utilized by the homeless since they do not have many belongings.

Q-Tips: Done by the one guy who thought it would be absolutely hilarious because, in his words, “No one will see it coming.”

The male sex organ: Followed by the witty one-liner, “Oops, wrong hole.”

For those who do not like to partake in the day’s festivities, be sure to purchase earmuffs. Otherwise, Happy Taking, everyone!

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