(Tel Aviv) Israeli forces pounded hamster positions all across the mid-east today, in retaliation for an attack on a small Israeli child by a hamster pretending to be cute and cuddly. Known gathering places for hamster leaders, such as the upside-down water bottles and exercise wheels were targeted.
“The recent attacks prove that the hamsters won’t stop until all of our children are bitten,” said IDF spokesman Capt. Ben Franks. “Israel mustexercise the right to defend itself.”
To minimize civilian casualties, Israel is using small caliber weapons, such as bottle rockets and M-80s. Specially-trained teams of teenagers with anti-social attitudes who have experience blowing up small animals have been brought in. Videos of recent strikes have been broadcast on YouTube.
“Being cute and cuddly is no excuse for violence,” said Franks. “And believe me, I know.”

Reported by Damon Norko

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