The ABCs of Personalities

Briana Haynie

Most are familiar with Type A and Type B personalities. But did you know that there’s actually a corresponding personality for each letter of the alphabet? I, Briana Haynie, writer for The Annual and lover of Psychology Today as a magazine to hide behind when I see an old high school classmate at Shoprite, have gathered the full list of personality types here. Which personality type are you?

Type A:

Goal oriented, headstrong and organized, Type A personalities can be sensitive and full of stress. They often operate heavy machinery on the two hours of sleep they got last October.

Type B:

Laid back, relaxed, probably likes to say “All right, all right, all right” during conversations. They never care if their fly is unzipped.

Type C:

Solitary and haters of conversation, Type Cs have learned how to sleep with their eyes open at Bat Mitzvahs.

Type D:

Thoughtless and vain, Type Ds often mistake Forever 21 for heaven.

Type E:

Full of life is a term Type Es use to describe everyone but themselves.

Type F:

Lovable and accustomed to failure, Type Fs enjoy looking at stars through backwards binoculars and sincerely screaming, “WOW, THEY’RE SO FAR AWAY!”

Type G:

Going for long, slow walks on hot coals is something Type Gs do because they’re obsessed with making themselves shorter.

Type H:

Forgetful and unapologetic, Type Hs often forget that N comes after M in the alphabet, making type Hs horrible kindergarten teachers.

Type I:

Narcissists.

Type J:

Spiritual and magical (if you ask them). Don’t look Type Js in the eye for too long, because they believe they can hypnotize you with their eyes, just like Kaa from The Jungle Book.  They also live in baskets.

Type K:

Trendy, passionate, and determined are the only three words Type Ks know how to look up in the dictionary.

Type L:

“Funny” flight attendants.

Type M:

Gifted in technology used during the Civil War, like letter writing.

Type N:

Type Ns’ ancestors made moonshine during prohibition. Now Type Ns use that as a fun fact about themselves.

Type O:

Dedicated, observant and dangerous. Type Os live in New England and clean their Sizzlin’ Cool X20 Drenchinator Water Blaster every night.

Type P:

Particular and practical, Type Ps have a penchant for words beginning with P. Period.

Type Q:

When a neurosurgeon opened up a Type Q’s head all they found was a ? going to town with a !, creating lots of little baby ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!.

Type R:

Type Rs love writing pamphlets; they write pamphlets in their spare time before they go to their full-time jobs as Motorcycle Safety Pamphlet Writers.

Type S:

Reliant and superstitious, you can always count on Type Ss to read you the horoscope they made up for your dad.

Type T:

Uncertain if they believe in ghosts, Type Ts dig up graves and give gold coins to the dead in hopes that the ghost of the body will return the coin and prove the existence of ghosts.

Type U:

Altruistic and generous, Type Us are redundant.

Type V:

Witty, jovial, light on family issues, with the ability to look past bad situations and past misdemeanors. Type Vs are the perfect companions for Type Ws.

Type W:

Type Ws are in jail.

Type X:

Teachers, firefighters, police officers, city workers and any other folks who leave work saying, “I need a fucking drink.”

Type Y:

Submissive, obedient and enjoy vintage things. Type Ys are perfect Mickey Rooney sex slaves.

Type Z:

Type Zs are extremely predictable. Every action they make foreshadows another action they will one day make.

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