The following is a transcript from Lucas Plank’s speech to his daughter’s fourth grade class during career day on April 13, 2014. He was supposed to be speaking about his job at the local hardware store. This transcript has been made available at the request of several of the students’ parents.
Hello, there, everybody. As many of you know, I’m Lindsey P’s dad. You can call me Mr. Plank. Today I would like to talk to you about my job. I would love to talk to you about my job, but I was fired yesterday due to a customer complaint. He suggested that I should not have encouraged him to try the two for one sale on socket wrench sets at gunpoint. It was wrong, and I am very sorry.
I am sorry to live in a country that is supposed to be free while some people out there are trampling on our rights. I’m talking about those rights we were born with, our natural protection under the law, like Jesus and white blood cells.
From the moment of conception we are free, God-fearing American citizens. But now people are out there trying to suppress our rights and outlaw our babies by putting abortion clinics on every corner like they were Starbucks. Buy five abortions, get the sixth for free. They might as well be passing out punch cards. I tell you what, if we outlaw babies, only babies will become outlaws. They will have to be! They need to stand up and protect their rights as American citizens. They have the inalienable rights to life, liberty, and property. A lady’s womb is a baby’s home—their property—and they have the right to protect themselves from eviction, by force if necessary. I believe, as the Founding Fathers did, that the right to bear arms begins at conception.
Mr. Jenson, I know you’re a lady doctor. I heard your speech, and I think we need to start arming our fetuses, so that they can protect themselves from the far-reaching arms of Uncle Sam. You can do that, right? Pop a little revolver up there so that the baby can reach it? Women’s bodies have a way of sucking stuff up like that, I think, so it will probably be pretty easy to do during a routine check-up. I mean, I’m no doctor, but I think that’s the only way we can protect our babies and our American jobs. The more blue-blooded, fighting Americans that get born, the fewer jobs there will be for immigrants to steal. And just let them try to steal them away from our militia of trained baby soldiers. They come out shooting—the American way.
Thank you and God bless.