Momma Say What?

10299295_10203743300487847_289658861_nAndrew Michaels | Artwork: Kelsey Sartory

I’m sure you took one glance at the big flashy letters reading, “Momma Say What?!” and thought, “This HAS to be a black man’s rip off of ‘Sh*t My Dad Says,’ by Justin Halpern.” Whelp, as much as I hate to disappoint, I am not black. To my dismay, I am a chunky white boy, currently resting in my childhood bedroom, while my equally white mother makes questionable comments. Taking a page from Mr. Halpern, the following comments were recorded over a period of time:

Describing Dallas Buyers Club:

“I have to watch a movie where a baby gets kidnapped! I’d rather watch that movie about the gay guy with AIDS. That’s more uplifting!”

Relaxing on the couch, watching her slipper slowly fall off:

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit……damn.”

Complaint of the day:

“This weather is contradicting AND I’ve eaten way too much peanut butter.”

“Teach me how to make boobies and wieners on text.”

“What do you mean you don’t like the word ‘voluptuous’? It’s a fine word.”

“Which doctor did you have? The Ahmadinejad-looking one?”

Watching the Oscars:

Me: “What do you think about Ben Affleck?”

Mom: “So good. He gets me going.”

“I bought this body wash for you just so I could say you smell like a French whore.”

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