Missouri Pizza Tracker

The following is a transcript sent to The Annual from an anonymous source who refers to his/herself only as The Missouri Pizza Tracker. 

Operator: Hello, thank you for calling Domino’s Pizza. How can I help you?

Caller: Hi, I was wondering what the most expensive thing on your menu is.

Operator: Well, that all depends what toppings you plan to add to your purchase.

Caller: I’m not interested in any additives. I just want to know the most expensive thing on the menu.

Operator: There is our ExtravaganZZa Feast Pizza, that comes to about $18 for a large.

Caller: I like the sound of that, put me down for ten of those. I don’t know if I want them yet, but I’d like to be prepared in case I need that kind of pizza.

Operator: I beg your pardon?

Caller: I don’t know if I want or will even need these pizzas. But, please put them on my bill now, just in case.

Operator: Okay…

Caller: Is something the matter?

Operator: Are you planning an event or something? The ExtravaganZZa is a pretty heavy-duty pizza. I’d hate to bring you 10 pizzas you don’t need.

Caller: I don’t have anything particular planned. I’ve spoken to a few friends today, and I think I’d like to get these pizzas just in case they come over.

Operator: So right now, you’re buying these pizzas on the off chance your friends come over.

Caller: Look, this is my call, and at the end of the day, people will look back and say, “Thank god he had the foresight to buy those pizzas.”

Operator: Have you talked to any of your friends about having a party that would require this much pizza?

Caller: Not yet.

Operator: So you’re calling to order ten $18 pizzas for a hypothetical party.

Caller: It’s not hypothetical. There’s a legitimate chance of partying.

Operator: Really?

Caller: Yes! I spoke to Tom today! We passed each other in the grocery store, exchanged greetings and went on our way. My friend Chris gave me a call just an hour ago, unprompted–wanted to know how I was doing. These things don’t just happen in the same day. I’m pretty sure we’re going to get together later.

Operator: What if Tom and Chris have other plans?

Caller: I’m sure they’ve only got one thing planned tonight, and it’s RAGER AT MY PLACE!

Operator: Fine. Anything else I can do for you, sir?

Caller: …Y’know, now that I think about it, I probably should just get a small pepperoni pizza to hold me over until I know for sure if they’re coming. Wouldn’t want to waste resources.

Operator: Never hurts to play it safe, sir.

Caller: Fuck it. Bring me the ExtravaganZZas!

Operator: That’s not what I meant.

Caller: I didn’t ask what you meant. I know I’ve made up MY mind, and that’s the most important thing. I’m declaring a state of flavor emergency!

Operator: All right. Your name?

Caller: Jay Nixon.

Operator: And your address?

Caller: [Content withheld]

Operator: All right, sir. That comes to $134 before taxes and delivery charge.

Caller: Perfect. I withdrew $1000 in ones out of my account this morning, just in case I needed cash!

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