Additional Awkward Affairs

Andrew Michaels
Artwork by Kelsey Sartory

Unintentional Boob Grab

The Unintentional Boob Grab

Every man has been a “victim” of the unintentional boob grab. While there are men who use this incident to purposefully grab a love muffin, others find their hands in the wrong place at the wrong time. Most grabs occur in crowded areas, such as hallways, elevators or concert venues.

Say you are at a concert and land a decent spot on the floor right near the stage. Suddenly, a mosh fight breaks out. For those of you who don’t know what a mosh fight is, it consists of a large group of people shoving each other every which way for the hell of it.

As the shoving gets worse, you stand your ground with you hands at your chest, trying to avoid the constant bodies flying at you. But let’s face it; one is bound to hit you at some point. And, with your luck, that one is a woman with perky Pointer-Sisters. After “cuppage,” it is possible to redeem yourself.

How to proceed:

  1. Consider acting like you have no idea what happened. Don’t draw attention to yourself with worried looks. Just talk to a friend that is nearby or slowly walk away like you’ve got some place to be.
  2. Fess up. Explain what happened and that you didn’t mean to grab one of her puppies. If she still doesn’t believe you, insert additional details that will finalize the occurrence. You never know! One day, this could be the “how-we-met” story you tell your future children.

Umbrella Malfunction

The Umbrella Malfunction

The only thing worse than a rainy day is when you also have to drag around an umbrella. We all know there are smaller umbrellas that can fit in your purse or desk, but how efficient are they when the wind turns them inside out? So, after choosing an effective umbrella, you’ve managed to stay dry. On the other hand, you’re now equipped with a potential weapon.

Imagine you are in line at a local coffee shop. Since it’s raining, the soaked non-umbrella users are cramming into the store in need of a warm beverage. Meanwhile, you are squished in between a wet businessman and a mother and child. As you try to adjust your position, you accidently press the release button and your effective yet large umbrella discharges, smacking the child in his face. Now, you’ve gotten everyone’s attention.

How can you get out alive without feeling the wrath of a momma bear?

  1. Try to woo her. Buy the kid a cake pop or biscotti. Chances are he’ll ditch the tears for a sweet treat. Then, buy a drink for the lady. She’s probably heard the kid whine all day, so this really isn’t any different. Adult interaction is what she needs.
  2. Immediately let go of the umbrella and give it a subtle toss forward. After, look as shocked as everyone else in line and begin accusing the businessman for this incident. Through in a line or two about the “poor child” and just kept yelling. The businessman will give in to your words and confess.

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