Every girl knows how sad it is to see summer depart, taking with it sundresses and your favorite booty shorts. Autumn creeps in, trapping you in of the same pair of sweatpants for weeks at a time and pullover sweaters that advertise sports teams you haven’t played for in years. (Okay, we can be honest. They’re your sister’s sweatshirts. You never played sports. You never will.) This year, don’t let the weather trap your sexual shine under all those layers. You can be a smokin’ hot kitty cat year-round! Remember these tips to keep you from looking like a lumpy frump-a-grump:
Ugg boots are super comfy but they make your feet a total snooze-fest. Honestly, when was the last time you saw hotness taken seriously in Ugg boots? Ramp up your boots to get your vamp on! Simply hot-glue a stiletto heel to your favorite pair of boots! They will be structurally sound and sexy!
Long Hair? Don’t Care!
A woman’s hair is a direct expression of her sexuality. This winter, really unleash your mane to let everyone know “Hey! I could be sexually active! Just look at my hair!” Be fierce and don’t cut your hair until the spring flowers bloom. Be fiercer and don’t wash it either. Be the fiercest and don’t ever wash or cut your hair ever again! Ever. Your natural hair pheromones will pay off in the long run by bagging you a sweetie. Like boy flies to honey.
Think your cozy outfit makes you look like a fuddy-duddy? Fix it quick by simply stitching a red “A” on your breast! It’s the old-school signal for DTF, so all the menfolk will know what’s up. Plus, anything that draws attention to your lady lumps is a total win!
To The Point:
Don’t feel like an amorphous blob under that bulky jacket. Accentuate your ta-tas with party hats! Wear them under any of your outfits to channel the great warrior queen Madonna, and make everyone notice your breasts. If you’re feeling extra rambunctious, substitute traffic cones for the hats! You’ll be directing eye traffic right to your sweet bod.
Show Off Your Stuff:
Your haul at the semi-annual Victoria’s Secret sale might go to waste if you’re not at the top of your sex appeal game this fall. Turn your underpants into overpants by wearing them over your clothes! Don’t be shy: wear them over jeans, sweatpants, khaki pants, yoga pants, genie pants, ski pants, parachute pants, fancy pants, crazy pants, even leggings! It’s a bold statement that says, “Hey boys, look at my great taste in expensive underwear.” Also, it leads your admirers to wonder if you’re wearing any underpants under your over-pants underpants. Scandal-licious!
Falling Like Leaves:
Make all the boys come to your milkshake’s yard! Subtly attach a fallen leaf to your behind area. This will 100% draw attention to your asset that you worked all summer to keep ship-shape! A potential Prince Charming or two will approach you about it. It’s the perfect opportunity to drop some seasonal pickup lines, like “Want to make like a leaf and get stuck to my butt?” Don’t be shy, ladies!
If you feel like you can’t channel your inner sex goddess, be red-hot and devilish instead! Light yourself on fire! All the boys will think you’re a sexy sex demon and want to have sexy sex demon sex with you. Let’s be honest—there is no bigger come-on than singeing someone’s pants off! Grab a lighter and your favorite flammable substance! Hey, boys: retardants not welcome at this pants party. Red-hot!
Any one or combination of these tips will have every boy fall-ing for you his autumn! Crank up your sexy this holiday season!