On Monday I received the latest copy of Variety and I was shocked to find that Clint Eastwood’s instant classic, American Sniper, had been bumped down to number two in the national box office. I simply could not believe what I was reading. I called one an attendant into the room–I believe it was Jane, the cute one. She thoughtfully read each film and its corresponding box office total to me in such as sweet voice that I almost calmed down, but to this very minute I remain livid.
American Sniper isn’t just a film about one of our greatest heroes; it’s a film about our country. America has always been a resilient nation, where one man’s kill count seems more than sufficient in light of the total casualties in a small-scale war. But Kyle couldn’t quit. He went back, time and time again, just as we have returned to the Middle East time and time again, with one mission: to spread democracy.
Today’s youth have no respect for these harrowing accomplishments. They would rather keep their heads in their phones while they tweet at the President, saying, “This is not their war.” And now they have committed the most egregious affront to American Decency. On the weekend of February 6, a horde of millennials chose to ignore the foundations of this great nation and attended The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, choosing mindless animated drivel over our own national accomplishments. It’s simply un-American for a squealing cartoon sponge to out-gross our nation’s most important mascot. The free market was not built for this.
Thus, I am calling on all red-blooded Americans to boycott The Spongebob SquarePants Movie, so that American Sniper rejoins the rest of America in saying, “We’re number one!” No one asked for an animated beach romp. To attempt one without Elvis Presley is sacrilege, anyhow. Millennials should spend their time learning from those who came before, not “rollin’ doobies” and yuckin’ it up at talking sea creatures. It’s a disgrace. Back in my day, we learned about wars by fighting in them and those who weren’t fortunate enough to fight would go to the movies to view newsreels of the war out of respect. I suggest movie viewers shape up and do the same.
In closing, I’d like to give a shout-out to Herman Wilkes. Herman, if I see your grandson in our cafeteria again saying things, like “American Sniper is a propaganda film,” or “Chris Kyle wasn’t tormented by his actions and even wrote that he wished he had killed more,” I’ll tell the building administration that you’ve been smoking pot help your arthritis.
Giles is a prominent member of the Falls Church Assisted Living community. He is well read, with over 30 books currently in his room and over one hundred in storage. Giles enjoys playing backgammon on Wednesday afternoons with his pal Franklin.