Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It’s me, again. It has been 15 years since my last entry. What’s been going on, you ask? Well, since I am now 23, puberty was a big change. But I don’t need to bore you with those hairy details. I’d have to say that the biggest development is my relationship status. I’ve got a girlfriend! I know what you’re thinking: “What about those descriptive entries that clearly pointed to some bi-curious tendencies?” I’m just going to blame that on the heated Twister match with my cousin. Anyway, she’s finally met my mom and dad for the first time and, boy, was it a doozy.

Dinner was okay. We went to a nice restaurant with great food. But it got a little weird when my mom kept saying she was going to steal the saltshakers while my dad ordered a drink called a Bikini Martini. I had no problem with that…until he started talking about wearing a bikini.

Later, we went back to our house and my girlfriend told me she really wanted to play a game called “Cards Against Humanity.” In case you don’t know, it’s basically a perverted version of “Apples to Apples,” involving white cards with a noun that must be matched with black cards that are either fill-in-the-blank statements or questions. Without much thought, I agreed.

At the beginning, our cards mainly consisted of curse words, which didn’t really bother me since my mom says them all the time. However, just like that Twister game, things got erotic pretty quickly. I picked a black card that asked, “How did my last relationship end?” Without hesitation, Mom slapped down her white card: Micropenis.

Mom implied that I had a MICROPENIS IN FRONT OF MY GIRLFRIEND! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT? I tried to quickly move on as it was now my girlfriend’s turn. Her card read, “__________ leads to _________.” And, just like Mom, Dad slapped down his two cards: Road head AND friendly fire. I mean, C’MON! ROAD HEAD leads to FRIENDLY FIRE?!

I guess it wasn’t a complete disaster because my girlfriend still kissed me goodnight as I dropped her off at home, ending the conversation with an “I love you.” All I gotta say is that if my crazy family didn’t faze her one bit, I’ve got one hell of a girl on my hands. Talk to ya later, Diary.

                                    Andrew Michaels

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