Jesus, it’s cold!

Kevin Cole

I don’t think you comprehend exactly how cold it is in Washington D.C. Last weekend, the metropolitan region welcomed sub-zero temperatures. This may not seem momentous for residents of northern territories, but it’s detrimental to the poorly hidden tunnel at the base of the Washington Monument that leads straight to hell.

President William Howard Taft engineered the hellhole in 1910. Taft believed tossing children into the depths of hell would help him lose weight, but as with most demonic deals, I added a catch-22. Taft gained such an appetite after sacrificing those kids, he ate twice their weight the following evening. Don’t make deals with the Devil in Washington. Tea Partiers and gun rights activists can’t comprehend this basic rule, but it keeps me well-stocked with edible children, so I can’t complain.

What I will complain about is this godawful cold. My flames have all gone out, and the rivers of blood have turned to ice. That’s right: Hell has frozen over. You people don’t understand what this means. Every time someone says they’ll do something “when hell freezes over,” it goes on a list. Now that the prophecy has been fulfilled, I have to see that each and every single one of those promises comes true.

“When hell freezes over” has become such an overused cliche. I’ve really got my work cut out for me, especially considering the Satanic bylaws: “Every hell-freezes-over promise must occur simultaneously.” This means Tammy’s finally going to go on a date with Frederick, but it will have to happen while he’s eating out his wife’s ass. Most Republicans will get gay-married to their college roommates, while the Democrats will cause irreversible damage to the environment. That stupid phrase has created so much work for me that I’ll need to enlist the help of my hell-hogs, and I think we all know that hell-hogs are capable of flight. I’ll have an even longer list of ultimatums for old people and prudes who are afraid to say “hell” and gambled, in ignorance, on porcine proclivities.

I love chaos as much as the next demon, but this is too much. Jesus Christ, I hope you used some stupid cliche with regard to the second coming.

— Satan

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