Losers to the Left: Donald Trump’s Debate Rider

To the good people at FOX News,

First and foremost, I’d like to thank you all for treating my candidate with the respect he deserves. You’re among the few news outlets willing to cover Trump under the umbrella of politics, and you’ve got the balls to bring him back to prime-time. With that in mind, my candidate has a formidable background in television production, from The Apprentice to the Miss Universe Beauty Pageants, he knows how to put on a show and simply will not appear on your political pageant unless the following demands are met:

  • Trump is to be placed center stage behind a golden podium emblazoned with “TRUMP” so there is no mistake as to who the king is and where he belongs, front and center.
  • For a nominal fee, Donald Trump is willing to finance the construction of similar TRUMP brand podiums for other prime-time candidates.
  • Dr. Ben Carson is to be placed to the right of Donald Trump to bolster the image that he has black friends.
  • Senator Marco Rubio is to be placed as far away from Trump as possible.
  • It is strongly encouraged that a great wall be built between Rubio and Trump
  • Marco Rubio is to present an American Birth Certificate at the time of the debate as the candidate is concerned that he may be yet another rapist from across the border.
  • Donald Trump will only drink the purest spring water in the world, as such, he is to be provided with a case of Trump Ice Spring Water.
  • Donald Trump will provide Trump Ice Spring Water for all other candidates to consume during the debate.
  • Debate Moderators are to be fitted with complimentary Trump Collection Suits, in exchange, moderators will not discuss the use of foreign labor used to hand sew Trump brand suits and ties.
  • Donald Trump will allow debate moderators to join him on his private island for the thrill of hunting the most dangerous game, provided they stray from the topic of Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump’s love for big game hunting.
  • Donald Trump is to have the first and last say on all issues foreign and domestic.
  • No one outside of Trump’s immediate campaign team may touch him, this includes handshakes.
  • Air conditioners and fans are to be disabled and windows are to be shut to minimize breeze.
  • The venue is to provide one orphan for the purpose of shining the candidate’s shoes.

We greatly appreciate your cooperation and would like to offer our production services for future debates.

Corey Lewandowski
Trump 2016 Campaign Manager

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