Over the past two weeks, mass-market news outlets such as GQ, Time Magazine and The NY Times have dared to ask the question “Who is the real Stephen Colbert?” It’s a valid question, as the Stephen Colbert we’ve known for the past ten years was admittedly a character. In his new position as the host of The Last Show, he has promised to reveal his true self and the publications previously listed were able to spend one on one time with him. They each devoted newsprint to asking the question “Who is the real Stephen Colbert?” though none were observant enough to catch a glimpse behind the latex mask.
I have been tracking Stephen Colbert for years because something about his “character” seemed to ring false. I’m not talking about allegations that Mr. Colbert was subtly pushing a liberal agenda, but rather the very real possibility that his entire persona was nothing more than a character crafted by the reptilians in order to influence the american viewing public. I first became suspicious when Stephen Colbert took the time to interview his “muchacho” Esteban Colberto, many claimed that this was nothing more than a character but WATCH THE CLIP! How did a clean shaven Colbert seemingly transform into a mustachioed latino news host? It’s because his veins are filled with THE BLOOD OF A REPTILIAN SHAPESHIFTER! Listen as his audience of sheeple are none the wiser as he transforms from one persona to the next. Similarly, under the Colbert Report segment Formidable Opponent, Stephen would debate himself on camera with two Stephen Colberts visible to the naked eye. I don’t have the evidence to prove this, but I believe the second Stephen is actually the reclusive reptilian overlord Ronald Reagan, shape-shifted to appear as Colbert. Yes, Ronald Reagan is very much alive and maintains a stranglehold on the reptilian shadow government, but more on that in future writings.
Last night, during the premiere episode of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, my worst fears were confirmed. From the top of the show Colbert gave us a glimpse of his true form when he inexplicably began speaking with a lisp. The speech impediment became increasingly prominent as the show approached midnight. At this moment Colbert let out inhuman hiss and ripped off the latex human mask that we had come to know as the face of truthiness. The real Stephen Colbert stood before the world, a reptilian. His audience laughed in unison, already assimilated into the hive mind. For a full 7 seconds he sat behind the desk in full lizard-man garb before shape-shifting into the aesthetically pleasing host we had tuned in to watch. My sources on the inside believe that those 7 seconds of television history will be wiped from rebroadcast both on television and the web. Still, I fear that our nation’s first openly reptilian talk show host is developing a technology to subliminally influence our thoughts until we are all assimilated into the Colbert Nation.
–Jeff Sweeney (Guest Contributor)
My name is Jeff Sweeney, the Sheeple Dog. Through this website I will inform the masses of THE TRUTH. Formerly, the webmaster of the popular conspiracy news site Sheepledog.blogspot.com, I have decided to bring my message to a larger audience. Read closely and you too can evolve from a sheeple to a sheeple dog.