No, I Don’t Want to See Your Toast

Listen here, to come to me and proclaim that you’ve got a piece of toast that looks just like “Emmy Award winning actor Jon Hamm” is absolute sacrilege. Burnt toast serves one purpose, to spread the good word and gorgeous face of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It is permissible that The Virgin Mary make the occasional cameo appearance but toast was meant for the lord and the lord alone!

I’m empathetic to the fact that you have waited seven seasons for Jon Hamm to take home the Emmy for Best Actor, but we god-fearing, breakfast-loving Christians have waited over 2000 years for the return of Christ. Yes, it is an impressive coincidence that Hamm appeared on your toast the morning before The Emmys but it is nothing more than a coincidence. To think that God holds any stake in some Hollywood award show is absolutely foolish, there is simply no reason for him to clog up the airwaves when The Book of Revelations foretold the signal of the second coming would be emblazoned in wheat.

What’s that you say? white bread? WHITE BREAD!? You disgusting HEATHEN! You dare to put unpure bread into the lord’s telephone? I have never witnessed a more egregious sin. God almighty, you disgust me. That bread must have been singed by the flames of hell, signaling that Jon Hamm is none other than The Antichrist! They always said he’d be attractive, but I never dreamed he’d be so handsome. The more I look at him climb onto that stage, the harder it is to look away. I. Can’t. Fight. It. I must submit to Jon Hamm.

Kevin Cole

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