The Martin Shkreli Guide to Buying Friends and Killing People

Have you ever wondered how you can make the world a better place? No? Okay, well… have you ever wondered how you can make your world and exclusively your world a better place? Welcome to The Martin Shkreli Guide to Buying Friends and Killing People! Don’t worry, you won’t kill any people of worth, just that pesky lower class.

Step 1: Cash Flow

We’re talkin’ revenue, the big bucks. Start of your career by building up a hedge fund. During this time you’ll be of very little worth to society, but you will soon have the potential for massive capital gains. This is a fancy way of saying “make a little money for yourself.”

Step 2: Purchase a Swagboard

Dude, those things are dope as fuck. A lot of haters will call you a douchebag for rolling with them just but check this shit out:

Impressed? Well if you aren’t, maybe this course isn’t for you. Close this tab and head back to the homeless shelter.

Finally, it’s just us, the Swag-Savy Consumer. We’ve got money and we know how to spend it. This step is a great way to weed out those who are only going to hold you back, in fact that’s its sole purpose.

Step 3: The Free Market

We live in a capitalist society, the best there is. In this world we operate on a system of Supply and Demand, and there’s no greater demand than the need to stay alive. This is where you’re hedge fund cash comes in. Purchase yourself a nice little pharmaceutical company and make yourself the CEO. Take your staff out to dinner once or twice and gain their trust, let them know that you have their best interests in mind. This will enable you to develop a hive mind of Swagboard-riding biochemists, buy them one as a gift.

What you’re going to do next may seem immoral to some, but remember that you’re doing it to gain profit to keep a prosperous company afloat. There’s really something altruistic about it. Find a product that your company manufactures, one that is cheap to produce already turns a profit and is vital to the survival of someone with a disease like AIDS or Cystinuria. Once you’ve found that product, jack up the price 5500%. It may seem like overkill, but compared to the cost of cancer treatment, you’re really saving the consumer a bundle. Good for you.

Get some practice with this technique. Below, you’ll find marked up prices on everyday over the counter items, from 200 tablets of Aleve to Playtex Tampons, all at a 5500% price increase. Print these out on sticker paper and make your way to the pharmacy.

Turing Prices

Stick these over the traditional prices and wait for the customers to notice. Nothing will fill you with more joy than to watch people breakdown into tears because they can’t afford to get rid of their migraine.

If by chance they notice you, tell them you’ll lower the price, but never say how much. Then, gently lean back on your Swagboard and drift away into obscurity, knowing that you are the stronger being, fit for survival as Darwin intended.

Kevin Cole

One thought on “The Martin Shkreli Guide to Buying Friends and Killing People”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s