How to Hold a Penis Like a Disney Princess

All woman want to be a princess. Disney has made a fortune on that simple fact. Woman everywhere want to find their Prince Charming and live their happily ever after. But what happens after your white knight saves you from your lonely and desperate single status? It can get confusing–especially since the movies don’t teach you what to do with a penis. So whether your prince is a hero on horseback or a hairy beast, here are a few tips on how to hold your Prince’s penis just like a Disney Princess.

Like Fragile Glass

A man’s penis is sensitive. If you’re going to hold his crowning glory, you must keep in mind that it’s breakable. Gently hold it with just your fingertips as if it’s a huge (hopefully) gift sent from your fairy godmother. If you have a hard time with breakable objects you might want to convince your man to tattoo FRAGILE on his penis as a reminder for you.

Like Discovered Treasure

When he whips it out get excited! Treat it like a piece of treasure you found in an abandoned sunken ship. Give it a quirky name, like “Dinglehopper,” as if you didn’t know it’s actually called a penis. Your prince will think you’re adorably naïve and appreciate the emptiness in your head.

Like A Good Book

Some men appreciate a classic smart girl, but your princemight get jealous if you pay more attention to your books than to him. Calm his insecurities by holding his penis gently in the palm of your hands like you would The Great Gatsby or The Second Sex. Make sure to study his long veins the way you might study a Henry James run-on sentence. Your man will appreciate the attentive foreplay.

Like An Apple

Make your prince believe his penis is the most delicious thing you’ve ever held in your hands. It’s mesmerizing, beautiful and juicy, and you just want to bite it. (DO NOT BITE HIS PENIS. THIS IS A METAPHOR.)

Like A Needle On A Spinning Wheel

Hold his erect penis straight up in the air, “prick your finger” on it and “fall asleep” so that he must awaken you with true love’s kiss. It’s the most romantic thing you can ever do with a penis.

Now get out there and start holding your Prince’s penis like theDisney Princess you know you are and always will be.

Briana Haynie

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