Let’s Save American Apparel

Alright ladies, for almost twenty years American Apparel has stood as a nationwide sex symbol, providing the sleekest, sheerest clothing for hot teens and young twenty-somethings. Today our brand is tarnished, on the verge of a potential downfall as corporate offices have filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. It is up to us, the keepers of American Apparel Store #0138 Kansas City, Missouri to save this sexual zeppelin.

First thing’s first, we’ll be literally doubling down on our inventory. That means all items will sell for twice the price but half the clothing, effectively charging customers for the ability to reveal themselves. Jennifer, I need you to get to work altering every item in the store in a way that makes them twice as revealing while giving us enough left over fabric to double our inventory. To boost the sale of these items we will sell them as a part of our exclusive Jennifer Collection. I know many of you are aware that our own Jennifer is not a household name, which is why we will pair these items with photographs of my cousin who bares a striking resemblance to Jennifer Anniston.

While the Jennifer Collection is poised to rock the sales world, we still need to bring people into the store. I swear, sometimes it’s as desolate and barren as Vicky’s cooch. No offence Vick.  What we need is the unmotivated sexual tension of a Ryan Murphy produced television series. To make this happen, I have lifted my son’s dressing room ban in exchange for his technical expertise. He’ll be covering the current array of models lining the wall with bed sheets and is perfecting a way to fill that space with hard-core pornography using one projector and complex series of mirrors.

It takes a village to save a company but together I know we’ll be standing tall when those Abercrombie and Fitch jackoffs finally go to see that shirtless model in the sky.

Kevin Cole

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