The New Poisoned Apple

Drugs are expensive.

I saw a Facebook post (shared by several others) stating that parents need to be extremely cautious about letting their children go trick-or-treating this year, due to the very real possibility of packets of drugs that look like candy. And yes, other people were commenting about the direness of the situation, which they believed to be undeniably true. Unlike most internet users, I took 20 seconds to Google this article and see that it is undeniably false; there is no real threat this year that is greater than any other year of children receiving drugs or any other kind of dubious candy and treats. In fact, almost every story you have ever heard concerning a child receiving a Snickers bar with a razor blade inside, or Ecstasy-laced sweet tarts, or a poisoned box of Milk Duds (although those things taste like poison anyway) has been fabricated and forwarded from grandmother to grandmother until it became actual news.

Drugs are WAY too expensive for playing pranks on neighborhood kids. Can you imagine spending hundreds of dollars for some molly, dropping it into an unsuspecting child’s candy bag with a huge grin on your face, watching as they walk away, never knowing what actually happened to that kid when they finished eating a couple hundred dollars of yours? No one is that malicious. You might do it to an unsuspecting friend, but at least you get to watch them freak out. The type of people who can afford and know where to purchase drugs would not even consider giving their restricted substances away! Nor would these hypothetical substance-purchasers mix up their bags of drugs with bags of anything-that-is-not drugs. No druggie is going to have their drug-bag in their hand, hear the doorbell ring, rush to the candy bowl, drop the drugs in the bowl for easier carrying, open the door, and start dropping bags willy-nilly into these kids’ open hands. Then close the door, put the candy bowl down, realize they have lost their drugs, then not immediately go stop all those kids and get those drugs back.

What about all these other dangerous candy ideas? Think about the work that goes into putting a razor blade in a miniature candy bar.

First, you have to buy the candy. Candy is on sale. Next, buy razor blades. You are going to need to find razor blades that are small enough to be hidden in a fun-size candy bar and won’t clearly be sticking out of the wrapper. Half of you have already given up reading this article, because this evil scheme is too much effort. But for those readers left: we need to find a way to surgically insert the razor blade into the chocolate, without leaving any obvious puncture wounds or bits of blade visible.

“But wait, Thomas! Kids are stupid! They probably wouldn’t even notice if the wrapper is open or if there is a two inch metal object jutting out the end of their sweet, delicious Twix!”

A-ha! But that is where YOU are wrong, reader! I was able to ask a wide selection of children on the street if they wanted my clearly opened Three Musketeers, and all of them refused! (This may not have been the most scientific or legal approach, but there we have it. Also, I couldn’t rule out the possibility that all kids just hate Three Musketeers bars.) Most parents set this as the most important rule: don’t eat things that are already opened. By abiding by this rule, all children will avoid these obvious razor blades, the small saran-wrapped zip locked baggies of coke, and the most dangerous—a POISONED GRANNY SMITH APPLE! 

So, taking into account that the majority of children won’t just eat a razor blade dipped in chocolate, you will have to use the razor blade to cut a slit in the packaging—probably on the edge of the sealed seam—so that you can then cover it back up easily. Next, you will have to push the blade into the candy. Candies with nuts are much firmer, while plain nougat is softer (but it is possible the kids don’t even want your Three Musketeers, and now all that work is for nothing).

Now, you’ve somehow managed to get the blade into the candy and covered it up well enough to pass the mediocre inspection of the child and possibly the child’s parents. The kid opens it (again, missing your entry point), and eats it. If he takes a bite, he will most likely notice something hard and foreign right away; if he has not cut his tongue or lip, the plot is discovered and no harm done, except for the lifelong fear of trick-or-treating you have instilled. If there is a cut, it will probably be the same outcome with a bit of crying and hysterical parents. Either way, not much of a payoff for all this time and effort, unless you enjoy causing small amounts of pain to children. But what I assume this person is really expecting is that the kid just swallows the mini candy bar without chewing, as most children are wont to do. As the candy is slowly digested, the blade emerges from its hidden edible packaging and wreaks all kinds of havoc, probably ending in a trip to the hospital, if not death.

Barriers: Money, time, steady hands, dumb parents, dumb kids, a very sick and twisted hatred of children.

There has got to be an easier way! There are many methods to surprise these kids with an injury that just hasn’t been thought of yet. It doesn’t even have to be physical harm! When kids come up to your door this Halloween, check to see how far away the parents are and ask them what their favorite swear word is! If they don’t know any, teach them your own favorite! Now it’s an educational night for them as well! Or how about some fireworks? Kids love fire and any excuse to use it! Slip some fireworks in their bags with a wink, and make sure they promise not to tell Mom and Dad! And what do kids love? Stickers! They put them on everything. And if you are already willing to pass out drugs, why not get into making drug-laced stickers? I’ve heard they’re all the rage. Heck, if parents find out, they might come over for an actual sale. Now that’s the true Halloween spirit—boosting the economy!

What we really should be teaching these children is that drugs are really expensive, and there are better things to do on Halloween than give them out for free.

T.M. Scholtes

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