I was born with a gift: the ability to transform any normal, mundane Halloween costume into an object of sexual fantasy. Give me a costume design and I’ll give you the steps to making it sexy in three bullet points or less. Some may call this power sexist, but I would like to remind those readers that all genders can be sexy. Recently I solicited facebook friends for their costume challenges, what you’ll find below is a guide to making over 40 different costumes sexy for Halloween.
1970’s Apple Employee
- Match the aesthetic of an overworked computer nerd, don’t shave your face. Match the aesthetic of the 70s, don’t shave your pubes.
- Spending your entire day in a garage office start up, it’s okay to forego pants in favor of underwear.
- Tell friends about your innovative ideas for the bedroom.
- Place a patch of green screen over your genitals.
- Wear a suit jacket with no undershirt and a tie that hangs just low enough.
- Tell friends you’d like to see what’s happening in their neck of the woods.
Beanie Baby Puppy
- Lay on the floor with you felted ass in the air.
- Attach a large TY heart to your ear, on the inside write erotic poetry about doing it doggy style.
- Spend the night searching for secret emails but only find sexually explicit correspondences between Mr. and Mrs. Clinton
- Spend three years persistently asking Brad to sleep with you, long after that horse died from your inquiries.
- Drunkenly gaze at friends nether-regions under the guise of the “freedom of information act”
- Steal clothing items from the billionaire class.
- Heavily tax the fabrics on these items to make them more revealing.
- Walk into the room like you’ve got a notriously B.I.G. C.O.C.K.
- Go shirtless but wear a crown.
- Tell others they can wear the crown for a pound.
- Wear undergarments (Bra/panties/briefs) made from rat fur.
- Leave prosthetic Buboes on everyone you touch, let the sexidemic spread from party to party.
- Offer to let others see your boob-oes
- This one’s pretty simple, attend Halloween parties nude and wrap yourself in the homeowner’s blankets, they’ll thank you later.
- Attach a colostomy bag to your abdomen, and glue a collage of sexually explicit images to the bag.
- Let people know your genitals have never been cleaner due to the redirection of waste.
- No shirt.
- Straddle a conga drum
- Fight for a women’s right to be pregnant and be seen on television.
- Notice women who aren’t pregnant and tell them “they’ve got some ‘splaining to do!” in the bedroom.
Dick Van Dyke
- Don’t change a thing, really use your natural physicality to your advantage.
- Tin foil underwear and an unbuttoned jumpsuit
- Carry around an old RC remote but never reveal what it’s connected to, simply tell friends it produces 1.21 Jizzawatts.
- Get wet.
- Create a natural hotzone around your equator.
- Offer to let friends ride the jetstream.
- Presumably if you’re looking to make this sexy, you’ve been invited to stay the night with a foot-fetishist for Halloween and you want to prove you’re interested.
- Place large prosthetic toes on every part of the body the other party in this exchange could touch to get you off.
- Make obvious references to wanting to get dirty.
- When people laugh it off, pull sludge out of your crotch to show you’re serious.
- Spend your night clinging on to elderly party-goes.
- Tell them “Late is the hour in which this conjurer choses to appear.” and invite them to bed to see what you can conjure.
- Offer them viagra cursed with a spell from Saruman.
Girl Failing to Pull Off a Sexy Cop Costume
- First, take the false mustache off your face and turn it into a false-happy trail.
- Try handcuffing yourself to someone actually pulling a sexy costume.
- Realize that you didn’t need to costume in the first place, you had the ability to be sexy within you all along!
- Offer to set people free by giving them access to your underground railroad.
- Put your face on the $20 because sex sells.
- Be your wonderful self (unless you’re white, then choose a different outfit from this list).
- Spend the night popping and locking it.
- Wear cut-offs to show off your scar.
- Use that newfound ability to move again to get some pelvic action.
- Sport a powdered wig long enough to cover your breasts/chest
- Being both “Father of the Constitution” and “Father of the Bill of Rights” let women know what else you’d like to father.
John Wayne Gacy
- Bloody clown make up with emphasis on the lips.
- Shirtless, with two balloons covering the chest.
- Sport little more than underwear constructed from old issues of Hustler magazine.
- Offer to exercise your first amendment right by showing your first appendage.
- Three or four well placed leaves, that’s it.
- Nude up and lube up to make yourself nice and slimey.
- Crawl out of small confined spaces.
- Give friends a good nibbling.
- Brush and floss daily, there’s nothing sexier than good dental hygiene.
President Michele Bachman
- Aggressively pursue the vote/attention of cisgender members of the opposite sex.
- Never break eye contact with that alluring dead stare.
- When you find someone you’re ready to know (in a biblical sense) tell them God sent you.
- This one’s just another free opportunity to show off your ass, just let party goers know where the mold isn’t.
- Bring a good casket with you to every party and offer to let friends “try it out.”
- Work that Morticia Adams look.
- A newsboys cap and overalls, no undershirt.
- “Extra! Extra! Cream all about it!”
- Hand out newspapers with erotic fanfiction written in the headlines.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
- Slather your naked body in peanut butter and jelly.
- Use the sticky substances to cover your genitals with pieces of sliced bread.
- Let your rat-like feature do the talking, a little ear nibbling, tail play, etc.
- Feature a well-holstered magic wand.
Pigpen (of Peanuts fame)
- Forego pants for this outfit but hide a fog machine in your shirt to allow a cloudy area of mystery below the waste.
- Obligatory references to getting dirty.
- Just wear the hat and robe that cuts off just above the thigh.
- Carry a large Papal Cross
Popeye The Sailorman
- Naturally sexy costume, though consider shoving a can of spinach in your pants.
- The best Putin for Sexy Putin is shirtless and riding a horse. Good luck getting that horse into any parties.
- Two well places quilting squares over the chest/breast
- One blue ribbon over the genitals
- Carry on about the sanctity of marriage while carrying two women on each arm.
- Make Freudian references to your cigar
- Cut-off shorts and a polo shirt.
- Place a model train over your genitals (in this case a penis is ideal).
- Screw over commuters with fare increases
- Naturally sexy costume.
- Offer to let people join your Modern Family, which under increasingly progressive definitions is now a polygamist sect.
Sully (from Monsters Inc.)
- Instead of a fur suit, let your body hair grow out and dye it blue.
- Place two horns over your nipples.
- Paint your penis/vagina to look like Mike Wazowski.
- Convert slacks into to cut-offs, no shirt
- While knowing it was Rodney Dangerfield who said the line, try to get away with shouting “We’re all gonna get laid!” whenever possible.
Thus completes The Annual Annual Sexy Costume guide for 2015. We hope your Halloween will be as arousing as possible.