9 Euphemisms to say “I Live With My Parents”

It doesn’t matter that it is not for lack of trying, working hard, or otherwise abasing yourself to find other rooming arrangements that you awoke one morning to discover yourself transformed into a giant leech. What matters is that people will ask. Relatives probe. Prospective employers gauge. Dates are curious. Your dentist mindlessly inquires. All will judge you ruthlessly, regardless of whether they have a subscription to That Magazine and its latest investigation of your financially doomed generation. You cannot possibly gurgle the dread phrase one more time.

Luckily, I have 9 euphemistic responses that will serve you well, whomever may ask,“So, where are you living now?”

A quick catch-all, best delivered when passing through and quickly exiting a room:

1) “No-income housing.”

For coworkers, ex-next-door-neighbors, lucky sots with paid internships, and peers with 401ks:

2) “I rent a room from some nice old folks in town.”

Impress a prospective lover or literary-minded companion:

3) “Did you know that Samuel Beckett spent time in a mental hospital and lived with his parents? Let’s just say I’m halfway to being a genius…”

Respond to friends in social services or medical professions:

4) “Group home with family systems based arrangement.”

In reply to acquaintances at your local anarchist/coffee shop/bike repair/[tool]library/vegan scone atelier:

5) “Millennial squat.”

This one’s for your punny, environmentalist pals:

6) “In the tree from which I sprung. I must bough to my parents’ authority. I wood leaf if I could, but my income is like the American Ash– hopelessly besieged by the emerald borer beetle of student loan payments.”

For religious acquaintances, do-gooders and people concerned about why you’re walking down the sidewalk looking disheveled, crying in the middle of the day:

7) “I am not homeless, I am homefull. I runneth over with home.”

Best delivered with a haunted air that quashes further questions:

8) “Let’s just say, I dwell where three generations brush their teeth in one bathroom, at the same time.”

When you must be nakedly honest and to the point:

9) “I work two days a week as a ghost tour guide.”

Lydia Hadfield

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3 thoughts on “9 Euphemisms to say “I Live With My Parents””

  1. XD These are all too perfect, love ’em. Especially “Millennial Squat”.
    I’m lucky enough not to live with my parents, but I’ll have to keep these in mind for writing and if the tide turns worse and I need them after all.

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