I never would’ve thought, I’d end up in the police station on Black Friday. Not even if someone gave me a million dollars to believe it. The first person I called was my dear friend Denise to tell her that’s where I was- and I had to tell her, you know, so she’d get true story, not whatever rumors were floating around. It was the most ridiculous little thing! Some people said I bit a child, but they don’t know the whole story. Anyway, when I called Denise up to explain that I was calling from the police station and might miss her Heifer fund charity party-guess what’s the first thing she says? She says, “Oh my god. Were you involved in the rice cooker riot at the Paradise Loft?” That’s the first thing that comes to her mind! And I thought she knew me!
Anyone who knows me knows I know that the Loft’s rice cookers are nothing to fight over. That place is good for free trade bath care products and nothing else. And I thought, how could Denise think I’m that kind of person? For over five Black Fridays, I’ve hit the stores online. Right after midnight. I’m done at 3 or 4 in the morning. Same sales. Smaller carbon footprint. That’s what I say. I wasn’t out shopping. I even have the groceries delivered. I was just out walking for exercise. In a park, no less.
It was around noon and I was still fairly tired from shopping online until 4 am. I was exhausted in fact and quite hungry. So I decided to reward myself with a little treat, and bought a hot pretzel from the stand in the park. I found the nearest bench. I was really very hungry. Starving! Then! In a matter of seconds! This family with a dozen skinny children piles onto my bench! I’m about to take my first mouthful when this little girl tries to grab the pretzel right out of my hands! Now, her unstable mother later claimed that the little girl wanted to take a closer look at my ring! Ha! The mother claims that I bit the girl’s hand then clutched my pretzel to my chest! Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. I wouldn’t have clutched some salty thing to my new tracksuit. What really happened is this little girl was reaching for my pretzel just as I was taking a bite out of it! She practically stuck her fingers in my mouth! My luck, a policeman just happened to be patrolling this section of the park when this crazy bitch –excuse my language– when the girl’s mother was raving, practically abusing me, and there’s this little brat screaming, crying, bleeding…Ugh! Well. Bail was settled quickly enough, but the whole incident was an outrageous waste of an afternoon.
I was pretty rattled, truth be told! But the thing that really made me feel uncomfortable was what Denise said on the phone. I mean, I was at the police station, Denise was accusing me of being in a rice cooker riot and suddenly I felt like I was just a few misunderstandings away from having my whole character re-branded! So, right there, in jail, on the phone with Denise, I ended up buying like thirty Heifer fund chickens for some village. Just to feel a little more in control. Because if you don’t own your own character what do you have? Right? That was the thing that really struck me. Thankfully, even with the economy and all, I still have some financial integrity. There were murmurs, of course. There was that 5 minute news spot. The Givers Gold Circle nearly shunned me…However, as they say! “Anything irreplaceable is not worth having anyway.” I made a good showing at all the usual fundraisers and events. My holiday parties were their usual triumph. All the silly little rumors died down pretty quickly, I can tell you that. We’ve all recovered very well.