At first when they were cutting me down I was really hurt. I had spent so many years in my family’s yard just minding my own business and occasionally offering shade that I felt betrayed. They’re cutting me down? Really? After all pine needles I’ve given them? But now I understand. I was always meant for something bigger, something greater, something holier. I was meant to be the largest, brightest and costliest soldier in the War on Christmas, the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas Tree.
From the very first day they stood me up in the plaza, I just knew I was special. People stopped and stared as the lights slowly adorned my branches. Suddenly I had a purpose in this world, to remind people that Christmas is here to stay.
I am on the front lines, ready to drop this Swarovski crystal star on any unsuspecting ice skater that dares to utter the words “Happy Holidays.” Ready to break a bulb over anyone who dares walk past me saying, “Let’s go to Starbucks.” I’m just a humble soldier in the trenches of the war throwing shade at anyone who insists on writing X-mas. It’s CHRIST-mas you dumb tourist, keep Christ in it.
Who would have thunk that a little/big spruce like me would grow up to become a symbol of the season? Did you know that once I die, I’m immediately given a hero’s welcome to Christmas tree heaven where it snows all the time and the trees get to take turns holding baby Jesus? ButI don’t need all of that, I’m just happy to be able to serve.
Fellow soldiers fighting the great fight in this decades long war on Christmas, bring me your nativity scenes, your Merry Christmas signs and your Christmas trees that you’re forced to call holiday trees and I will shine my lights on them so that they will know that they are not alone in this fight and that I, the greatest Christmas tree of them all, am the one true soldier to lead the masses through this ever under attack season of Christmas. Also, I’ll introduce them to Al Roker; he’s a really funny guy just like you see on TV!
I have vowed to stand guard here in this Plaza amongst the tourists and streets lined with bacteria not yet identified, until my last dying breath; which will be on January 6th 2016 when they take me down and give me the funeral of a true Christmas soldier, becoming a Habitat For Humanity home.