Trump’s Most Recent Bowel Movement

Recently, Donald Trump blasted Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break during the Democratic Debate as “disgusting.” Commentators have been quick to judge Trump without knowing his personal experience on the matter. The following is a minute by minute timeline of his most recent bowel movement:

May 31, 2005 4:47 pm: Donald Trump takes a small swig of water during an Apprentice boardroom taping when his stomach makes a slight gurgle.

5:04 pm: Stomach rumbles intensify.

5:10 pm: Sounds emitting from the depths of Trump’s bowels make it impossible to continue the day’s taping without causing audio issues. The director pauses the shoot and Trump taps a small button hidden under the the boardroom table.

5:11 pm: Trump rises from his chair, a small fart squeaks through his butt cheeks.

5:13 pm: Trump storms through the halls of Trump tower, gently cropdusting the golden shag carpet beneath his feet. The clock is ticking.

5:14 pm: Trump, alone, enters the Executive Boardroom. He lays a finger on a thumbprint scanner and a bookcase descends to reveal the Executive Bathing Suite. Lined wall to wall in ivory tile made from the tusks of elephants hunted by his own sons, a solid gold shitter sits across from him.

5:14:52 pm: Letting out a sigh of relief, one last fart escapes his buttocks. A turd the size of a pearl exits with it.

5:14:54 pm: With very little time left, Trump drops his slacks and sits upon his throne.

5:15:01 pm: The Purge begins.

7:38 pm: Out of breath and hoarse of voice, the last of Trump’s leavings fill the bowl.

7:39 pm: Trump taps a small call bell sitting in the space typically reserved for toilet paper.

7:40 pm: Eight well prepped butlers enter the room, they’ve been waiting for this day. Hoisting Trump to his feet, they take shifts chiseling away at the product of a hard day’s work with the finest silk.

8:02 pm: The clean up is nearly completed as a ninth butler enters to act as a human bidet.

8:04 pm: The nine butlers are taken out back and shot behind Trump Tower to rid the world of witnesses. A new batch will be selected through a future reality program. The silks are sent to a dry cleaner in Chinatown.

8:45 pm: Trump returns to his peaceful slumber, it will be twenty years before another incident.

Kevin Cole

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