When local resident Brad Lipan leapt out of bed and bounded down the steps of his childhood home Christmas morning, he was ill prepared for the horrific site that awaited him.
“I was shocked,” said Brad, shivering under a mound of Santa Claus-print throw rugs. “I literally could not believe what was right in front of my eyes.”
Three weeks earlier, Brad’s parents – Tim and Jamie Lipan – had asked Brad what he wanted for Christmas.
“It’s tradition,” explained Jamie, tears streaking down her face. “We’ve always asked what Brad wanted for Christmas, regardless of whether or not he had been good that year.”
Brad had clearly stated that he didn’t want anything for Christmas this year, seeing as how he was already in possession of everything he could possibly need, and more.
“I already have too many video games to play, too many books to read, and I’m still catching up on all the television shows I’ve missed!” Brad shouted while his parents looked on from the other room. “It’s honestly overwhelming the amount of cool shit I have to decide between whenever I have some free time from the awesome job that I love.”
Brad had said something similar two years prior. But that Christmas, he had come downstairs to find…a brand new iPad Mini.
“I was astonished,” Brad said, with a whimsical look in his eye. “Here was a gift I never even knew existed, but it was something I desperately needed. They definitely hit a home-run in 2013.”
But 2015 turned out to be a different story.
“We should have gotten him nothing like he asked for, the ungrateful bastard!” Tim Lipan remarked solemnly. “We went out of our way to pick out the best Black Friday deals, getting up at 3am in the morning just to try and please him. We even asked his girlfriend of five years if he had mentioned anything, and what size clothes he wears, anything to try and get him that perfect Christmas gift, the one he would remember for the rest of his life. And yet we still fail as parents.”
Tina Younkins, Brad’s longtime girlfriend, had this to say in a private statement:
“Brad is just hard-headed, you know? He gets these ridiculous expectations in his mind, and no one else knows what he is thinking, so we can never please him. I told myself years ago to just take everything he says literally; when he said no gifts this year, he ended up with no gifts. You should have seen the way he held back the resentment in his eyes, but hey, that’s what he asked for.”
“It’s just…I’m not even a big STAR WARS fan!” Brad continued, without being asked. “Why would they get me this remote control BB-8 droid; what 35 year old man can really enjoy that? And what about these; socks? I mean, that’s a joke, right? I mean, yes, I needed new socks, but not for Christmas!”
Brad proceeded to whine hysterically into his new tailored suit (“How many occasions am I even going to need this??”), his parents looked on in silence.
“When I said I wanted nothing for Christmas, I meant it as ‘There’s nothing I can THINK OF, so, find something unique and awesome that I have never heard of, and buy that.’ What’s so hard about that?”
Tim and Jamie look forward to purchasing gifts for next year, but just hope that Apple has something big to be revealed, otherwise it might be “another year of depression for little Brad.”