Inside the Affluenza Teen’s Mexican Hideaway

On Tuesday, Ethan Couch (The Affluenza Teen) was apprehended in Puerto Vallarta for violating his probation. The location was expertly disguised within the resort town as “just another luxury condo on the Pacific Coast.” More than just a condo, the hideaway was an extravagant den of sin where money could buy much more than a conscious and Ethan could live out his fantasies.

The condo was purchased by the Couch family in October. A family real estate agent notes they were “looking for a place with little visability and sound proof walls.” What they got was a bargain. Enter the foyer, where women are actual objects, college girls on spring break, enticed into the mansion based on whether or not they liked money. There they pose as coffee tables, sofas, one even claims to be an espresso machine.

The living room, built with ivory, featurs a Curved UH3Dtv, stolen cable and surround sound set at a default level decibels higher than the human ear can withstand. You blow out an ear drum, you buy a new one, no big deal. A desk facing the window is covered in a foot of cocaine, enabling Ethan to emulate his hero, Al Pacino.

A walk in closet was filled with a wide array of disguises, not for Ethan, but for his guests. It turns out that the Couches neglected to pack anything other beer pong to keep the boy interested so they had to find a way of recreating Ethan’s favorite video games. Locals would be invited inside where they were offered free cable, clothes and any of the women in the foyer. They would then be ushered into the condominium’s greenhouse space where Ethan would embark on the most dangerous game, Call of Duty 13: The Hunt for Man. Within this private oasis, Couch would use his wealth to buy the rights to hunt any specimen he could find and then ship footage to Activision to be programed into their next video game. Ultimately, this led to the Affluenza Teen’s capture but the condo remains with much of the furniture intact, waiting for their promised pay.

Kevin Cole

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