High-class Professions Being Tarnished by Impossible Porn Expectations

(Everywhere) – Professionals across the globe are outraged; their self-worth is being defiled. That defiler? Over-the-top pornography. These erotic situations are leading to higher customer expectations of what to expect from visits.

Pornography has attempted to take hold in every facet of our lives, making parodies of beloved classics such as Batman, Harry Potter, and even Scooby-Doo. But pornography is really taking a toll out of everyday jobs, by making porn situations occur in real-life locations. These range from the work place, to high school, to getting arrested for a DUI. And it’s time for the workers to take a stand.

Margaret Koontz, a doctor in Seattle, Washington, had this to say:

“I am an attractive woman, I can’t help that. But it isn’t fair that every male patient I see has to look me up and down with his eyes, then tell me he has an injury below his waist I need to examine. They don’t understand that every female doctor is NOT just waiting to strip and bang every male patient that walks in the door! It isn’t realistic! I mean, I can really only do it once or twice a day, and then I’m completely exhausted! My patients are complaining, but it’s their own fault they didn’t schedule anything earlier in the day! I’m not going to risk my career over letting them live out these fantasies; I have serious work to do!”

Ken O’Conner, a masseuse in Switzerland, also felt the need to chime in:

“The women, they are here for a relaxing week, weekend, maybe even a month. They come alone, they come with friends, but they all want the same thing – a happy ending. I did not become a masseuse just to pleasure every woman that comes in to my spa! I am here to relieve tension, put the body back in place, help people relax and forget about their troubles, but instead I’m forced to fulfill the dreams of beautiful woman after beautiful woman, and I can no longer focus on the art of massage! Some of these women leave my parlor with more kinks and aches than when they came in due to how passionate my love-making is – they will ruin me!”

Even more basic professions were affected. Chris Fennell, a local Papa John’s delivery man, said:

“It’s just not cool to have a ‘girl’s night’ for 8 smoking hot cougars, and then decide to call Papa John’s for the ‘extra-large sausage pizza’ and expect anything but a delicious Italian cheese pie. I opened the door, and all eight were standing there, and they were quite disappointed to discover I was holding the pizza in my hands. This isn’t the ‘Dick In A Box’ video ladies! I mean, do they understand how hard it would be to hold a real extra-large pizza and box with just my penis? I mean, I do Kegel stretches, but you would need a seriously ripped cock to pull off that kind of acrobatics. I wasn’t even upset that they invited me in to be their personal dessert, but they had the audacity to assume I could bench press an 18 inch sausage with my 8 inch one that really made me angry.”

Pornography labels across the country have also chimed in to discuss:

“It’s fantasy, it’s parody! Our customers know it isn’t real,” writes Jill Filton, owner of So Much Spunk Productions, INC.

“We look at old police reports, medical records, and retirement homes to get the inspiration for our movies. These are all based in real life, but nothing like this could every REALLY happen, unless you are the most gorgeous man or woman in the world. And for those people, it does happen. Every. Single. Day. Hell, we even make videos about the owner of porn production companies, and I can use my real life experience to tell them what they are doing right and wrong. But it is because I’m stunningly attractive. We even have disclaimers at the beginning and end of every video stating that if the person viewing it is unattractive, they should not expect anything that follows to happen to them in their everyday lives. We’ve been sued before, but we show the judge the disclaimer, have them look at the client, and every case has been dismissed.”

When asked for comment, all the consumers of the videos said they were currently busy going over the videotapes in question, and would get back to us as soon as possible.

T.M. Scholtes

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