(AUSTIN, TEXAS) – As Doctor Dean Appling took his morning shower, he began his usual ritual of loudly singing “Roxanne” by The Police while soaping up his body. While hitting the high notes of the chorus, Doctor Freeman moved his head in such a way that water from the shower head got into his mouth at the same time he was singing, causing the water to enter his lungs. Dr. Appling began to choke, and after a few seconds unable to breathe, his oxygen-starved brain had a realization – human bodies were not designed intelligently at all.
“Well, it’s just the perfect song to sing in a shower,” expressed Doctor Appling, in our exclusive after-shower interview. “It has high notes, low notes, it’s upbeat, and all the different chords really resonate in a good tiled bathroom.”
We asked Dean to skip ahead, and get on to his discovery.
“The thing is…if our entire universe, and more specifically, the Human body, were designed ‘intelligently’ to be the way they are now, why does every single thing about the human body seem unintelligent?”
“Let me start with the breakthrough that led to this discovery – the human windpipe and human digestive tract all start at the exact same place. The pathways for air AND food cross in the pharynx; but why? It seems that this would save space within the human body, which would be pretty handy based on evolution…but if some other being designed us this way, it astronomically stupid. We need air and water, and could easily take them in together, the way creatures of the sea do, but for some reason, this creator decided to make everything harder by forcing our bodies to distinguish the two, and mistaking one for the other can lead to our death! This started me thinking – what else about the human body seems to point out that no one would have intelligently designed us? At its core, even the idea of Intelligent Design is literally unintelligent.”
Dr. Appling is the professor of Biochemistry at the University of Texas at Austin, and a world-renowned researcher in favor of evolution. He has travelled around the world learning about many different cultures, but most recently began studying anatomy to help refute the claim of intelligent design.
“These questions bring up even more general questions – why do we need to eat? Why do we need to breathe? There are single-celled organisms that can do without these very basic human needs, so why were we designed to need them? Why do we feel extreme heat and cold? Why do our cells die? Now, I have had some of these questions answered by various religious leaders. ‘We die in order to appreciate life.’ Like, what? So ‘God’ or this ‘Intelligent creator’ made us so frail in order to appreciate our frailty on Earth? So God is essentially a teenager playing The Sims on his computer, watching us do pointless things for his entertainment? He made the Earth have tasty fruits and vegetables so we could experience these wonderful things, but also poisonous berries and dangerous animals to kill us? How does any of this make sense to anyone?”
Evolution and Creationism are both hotly debated, with no clear winner or loser, and with a lot of support on each side. Intelligent design is a theory that attempts to bridge this gap, with the Discovery Institute in Seattle, Washington, leading the charge to get this new idea accepted as real science.
“The world doesn’t make sense without [Intelligent Design],” says Steven J. Buri, President of the Discovery Institute. “Think of it this way; if the universe was created by a ‘big bang’ then who created the big bang? If the universe has always been around, doesn’t it make sense that something would’ve have been around with it in order to create life as we know it? In order to even think about science, someone had to give us a brain, and the reasoning skills to learn and write and teach. Think about this – the brain is the only part of the human anatomy that named itself! Evolution can’t explain that!”
“His arguments make no sense!” replies Dr. Appling. “Evolution can explain ALL of that. I don’t have the time to get into it, but trust me. I wonder if he can explain that if God created Humans in ‘His” image, does God really have an issue of choking on his own spit? You think an omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, omnibenevolent being has that issue a lot? Or needs two different orifices to get rid of waste from ‘His’ body? How does Intelligent Design account for needing a urethra and a sphincter? Why can’t it all be combined to come out of one? Why do we have waste at all? Shouldn’t our bodies be a perfect consumer of energy? Then again, why do we need energy? Science has answers, evolution has answers. Unfortunately, ‘God’ cannot be reached for comment to see what answers he would give.
The Annual has reached out to the Catholic Church to get God’s answers on some of the matters, and we received this response from the Diocese of Rome:
“God loves all his creations, even if they do not believe in him. God gave us freewill, in order to make our own decisions, and deal with this life in our own way. These bodies are not our final form; we are all spiritual beings, and will be awakened at the end of time. It is God who will be awaiting us in heaven. May peace be with you all?
And also, fuck Dean Appling. He’s a dick.
Sincerely, Pope Francis.”
“Oh give me a break!” Dr. Appling has now torn out bits of his hair. “Fine; what the Pope said doesn’t necessarily disagree with evolution, and he certainly didn’t even mention intelligent design. But that was sort of low of him to call me that.”
Dr. Appling has had his team at the Institute for Cellular and Molecular Biology working around the clock for more answers, and have really just come up with more questions.
“The Church and Mr. Buri cannot just wave away these fundamentals questions of our origin by saying the word ‘God.’ There is more to life than that. And I will spend the entirety of mine digging for the truth.”
All we at The Annual know for sure is…The Truth is Out There. The X-Files miniseries will premier Sunday, January 24th 2016 only on FOX!
At the time of publishing this, Dr. Appling had stubbed his toe on his bedframe and cursed God’s name for designing such a ridiculous pain mechanism for the human body.