The Automatically-Flushing Toilet: Friend or Foe?

Whilst partaking in my delightful mid-morning, after-coffee bowel movement, I had a thought. Now most of us know that bathrooms are the best catalyst for creative thinking, the problem is grabbing hold of these sparks of enlightenment, and remembering them later. Luckily, as I do more often than not, I had my phone with me in the water closet, and was able to capture this thought in my NOTES and share it with you all.

My thought was:

Why are automatic toilets so crappy?

Now, my pun notwithstanding, this is an interesting query to say the least. You may at first be wondering what caused this thought to jump into my brain. Let me give you the set up.

As I entered my work lavatory, I was presented with three stall options. Being a stand-up, classy, gentleman type, I choose the first stall. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with the sight of a fully used toilet bowl, as most of us are familiar with. Being appalled, I immediately jumped to the third stall, in hopes of leaving a one-stall barrier between myself and the defiled porcelain. Thus I began my own personal business.

Another note on my bathroom trips – I rarely if ever breathe through my nose whilst using the restroom. I was shocked to learn that I am an outlier in this manner. Why anyone would choose to fill their nostrils with the stench of countless number one’s and number two’s is beyond me, but to each his own.

Now, unfortunately, the cold weather has been acting on my sinuses. As the tickle in my nasal cavities continued to grow, I accepted the fact I would soon have to smell whatever horrible fumes this bathroom was currently filled with. I readied my body atop the bowl, and braced for the inevitable. The sneeze was a monstrous one, and I was greeted with the noxious stink of possibly hours-to-days old festering shit from stall one. But along with breathing in this toxin, the sneeze also shook my body slightly. As I grabbed some toilet paper to ram into my nostrils to reduce the smell, I heard the oh-so-familiar CLICK of the automatic toilet beginning to flush.

Again, we should all be familiar with this situation. The laser “eye” for the toilet has somehow mistakenly measured light differently, when you have barely moved, and made the executive decision that flushing should occur RIGHT NOW. Well, the toilet being filled with poop-water, and me still have an unwiped butthole, I had no choice but to endure the “spray” that also seems to accompany any and all automatic flushing toilets. I understand the reason for having industrial-grade water spraying and churning systems; an office building or a hotel need these extra-strong facilities due to the sheer number of people that will be using them. However, it shouldn’t need to be watering my rectum since it is not a bidet, and I had showered a couple of hours ago. And that shower even used clean water!

This, gentle reader, is when the thought popped into my mind:

Why are automatic toilets so crappy?

Let’s list everything wrong with them:

1: They don’t go off when they need to

This is evidenced by the remaining Leaning Tower of Beef Stew I had spied in stall 1 earlier.

2: The do go off when they don’t need to

My firsthand account of splash-back can attest to this.

3: They sometimes flush for absolutely no reason

Just walking to a restroom to wash your hands or have an affair with your secretary sometime startle the shy automatic toilets into flushing themselves

This brought another question to my mind – why do we have automatic toilets?

Without doing any research, I determined automatic toilets were originally invented to save water, toilet paper, energy, hassle, while at the same time keeping things more sanitary in the restroom.

I made a list explaining how it does the exact opposite of all of these things:

1: It does not save water

In order to save water, it would flush only when it needs to. But, automatic toilets flush based on light and what the laser “eye” can see, causing it to flush at inopportune times, like mentioned above. This HAS to use more water than simply flushing every time a human user commands it to do so. In fact, it probably wastes more water than it was intended to save.

2: It does not save toilet paper

I thought perhaps auto-flush would keep people from taking some toilet paper to cover their hand with when they went to push the flushing lever or button on the toilet (some people really hate germs). BUT(T), I have witnessed more paper being used to wipe off excess water from the seat. This is at best a break-even on TP usage (don’t ask how I got my facts).

3:It does not save energy

Having a toilet that flushes more than it needs to can in no way save energy. It also needs more maintenance than a regular toilet, and if there continues to be Paul Bunyan-sized logs left in them for days, that would certainly cause some additional plumbing issues.

4: It does not save hassle

Hell, I went to the trouble of writing this article about it.

5: It does not keep anything more sanitary

I am actually scared to go in the bathroom with automatic flushing toilets. How do we know it can’t also reverse the flow of the water in the bowl and decide to send me sky-high covered in stranger’s old corn?

So, to the inventor of the automatic flushing toilet, Mr. Martin J. Laverty (if that is your real name), fuck you.

I beg you: contact your local congressman. Get automatically flushing toilets banned today. Please use the above first-hand experience as facts in your case. I am but one man, but together, we can change the world.

TM Scholtes

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