So you’re caught in the middle of the great blizzard of 2016. Smack dab in the 3-foot zone. Perhaps you’ve been fantasizing about a long weekend reading by the fire as the kids trek out to shovel the drive way. But the truth is, you’ll likely be reading by a fire because the power’s gone out and at that point there’s nothing else you can do. Luckily we’ve comprised a list of things for you to do once the power goes out:

• Pick up your cat and walk around the house so it can see things “like a human.”
• Try and get frostbite on just one pinky, or that bit of excess skin, so that the doctors will remove it.
• Plug an old corded phone into your internet jack and reminisce about the days of AOL and dial-up modems.
• Freeze to death.
• Call every pizza shop and see how far you can get them to drive away from the store, preferably after snow has started falling.
• Read those information stickers on your water heater and air conditioning unit for the first time ever and see if there are any clever jokes hidden in them.
• Pick that guitar you haven’t touched in 8 years and teach yourself how to play it.
• Use your Bath and Body Works candle to light a blunt.
• String Christmas Lights in every room of your house. Plug them in and wait.
• Send letters to your friends by peeing them into the snow. Hopefully they’ll walk by.
• Light a road flare and get some reading done.
• Build some snowmen indoors and prop them up so they look like they’re playing poker. Take a picture and sell the rights for millions.
• Aim to fill eight composition notebooks with your manifesto for the police to find.
• You’ve stolen cable from your neighbors, now try your luck with their generator.
• Silently wonder if your toilet will work without electricity as you hold it in for another hour.*

–Kevin Cole & T.M. Scholtes

*Unless it’s a damn auto-flushing toilet you’ll be fine.