So you’re caught in the middle of the great blizzard of 2016. Smack dab in the 3-foot zone. Perhaps you’ve been fantasizing about a long weekend reading by the fire as the kids trek out to shovel the drive way. But the truth is, you’ll likely be reading by a fire because the power’s gone out and at that point there’s nothing else you can do. Luckily we’ve comprised a list of things for you to do once the power goes out:
- Pick up your cat and walk around the house so it can see things “like a human.”
- Try and get frostbite on just one pinky, or that bit of excess skin, so that the doctors will remove it.
- Plug an old corded phone into your internet jack and reminisce about the days of AOL and dial-up modems.
Freeze to death.
- Call every pizza shop and see how far you can get them to drive away from the store, preferably after snow has started falling.
- Read those information stickers on your water heater and air conditioning unit for the first time ever and see if there are any clever jokes hidden in them.
- Pick that guitar you haven’t touched in 8 years and teach yourself how to play it.
- Use your Bath and Body Works candle to light a blunt.
- String Christmas Lights in every room of your house. Plug them in and wait.
- Send letters to your friends by peeing them into the snow. Hopefully they’ll walk by.
- Light a road flare and get some reading done.
- Build some snowmen indoors and prop them up so they look like they’re playing poker. Take a picture and sell the rights for millions.
- Aim to fill eight composition notebooks with your manifesto for the police to find.
- You’ve stolen cable from your neighbors, now try your luck with their generator.
- Silently wonder if your toilet will work without electricity as you hold it in for another hour.*
*Unless it’s a damn auto-flushing toilet you’ll be fine.