Hi God! It’s me, Mary. I just wanted to thank you again for giving me this wonderful opportunity to be the mother of the savior of the world. It’s the second best honor you could have ever bestowed. First, of course, would’ve been being the savior myself.  Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding, I’m really just happy to have some kind of role in your greater plan. As long as I get a statue in every church is what I always say.

Anyways, I’m praying to you tonight because it has been about two and a half months since I gave birth to sweet baby Jesus, and I’m having some problems with my post-baby body. It’s just not bouncing back like I hoped it would. My dream was to be the hot mom at the playground, the one all the mannies wanted to sip Jamba Juice and sit on a cold bench with. Amid nursing, diaper changing and nursing Joseph’s ego, I’m having problems fitting in time to exercise. I know, I know: #noexcuses, but I feel like giving birth to the Son of God is a really good excuse and should exempt me from certain human problems such as dumping 40 extra stupid pounds of baby weight.

I mean, of course, I’m forever thankful that you chose me to be the Virgin Mother, and baby Jesus is a blessing to both Joseph and me, even if Joseph is still taking the whole “the baby isn’t yours” thing a little hard. I’m simply proposing that maybe you can help me take a few pounds off from my hips or maybe make my shea butter lotion a little stronger so that it reduces the stretch marks faster. I don’t need my six-pack abs back right away but it would be awesome if you could make one crunch equal to 20 and one burpee equal to 100. That way I won’t have to do as many to get my bikini body back.

I know this is a lot to ask because you were really heaven-bent on Jesus being born the “natural” way, but I feel like you owe me. Now that the Beloved Son has been born au natural, you can do me a solid and give me back my body the mystical God way. No one has to know.

It’s simple really.  You see, your Holy Child has ruined my body and I want that part of me back. You and that stupid angel took that from me when you placed your tiny magical fetus in my uterus without even really asking! Your command has taken both a mental and physical toll, and the only thing that will make me happy again is if you give me what I want: a super-hot bod that makes me look like an angel. And not one of your angels—a Victoria’s Secret Angel! 

Oh, I am really sorry, I’m just so tired and irritable right now; I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I really just need a good night sleep. Can you give me approximately 10 extra hours in a day? I’d be super chill just getting that, I guess. Anyways, I’m sorry to bother you. I know you’re probably busy creating a new birch tree somewhere so it’s okay if you have to take a few hours before you can answer my prayer.

You should stop by sometime. You don’t always have to look on from the heavens. I know Jesus always enjoys your visits and Joseph isn’t so bitter about you coming around anymore. It would be nice to see you.

P.S. If you decide to bless me with a killer post-baby body, Beyonce’s is super tight and an inspiration.

In the name of the Father, Son (wink, wink), and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Briana Haynie

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