I’m Carly Fiorina and I STILL Need Your Vote

Ladies and Gentlemen, of which those are the only options,

I stand before you today to announce my run for President of the United States. That is to say, contrary to popular belief, I am continuing my campaign for the presidency. I feel the need to make this statement because over the weekend I saw a truly disturbing video, one in which I stated that I would be ending my campaign.

I’m sure that many of you reading this statement are asking yourselves “How come Carly didn’t notice this right after the New Hampshire Primary?” Well, you don’t become the CEO of Hewlett-Packard by googling yourself. Imagine my surprise as I was preparing my acceptance speech for the Republican Nomination when word of mouth finally reached the office stating that I had resigned.

In reviewing the footage it should come to no surprise that my “resignation” was heavily edited. Analysts for the Fiorina campaign believe this footage came from the Center for Political Progress, a Ted Cruz run, Anti-Carly Super PAC. To their credit the video is expertly constructed, it does not appear as separate chunks of my speeches strung together, much like viral videos of the president singing Never Gonna Give You Up. Instead, the footage looks like one concession speech, which I assure you never occurred. My council and I are exploring our legal options as we would like to remind those responsible that it is possible to be indicted in cases of tampering with footage. It happened to two close friends of mine.

I am absolutely devastated to find that some people would be so ruthless as to falsify information in order to take me down. I have not aborted my campaign. If you live in South Carolina, or any state, and planned to support me before, please go out on polling day and cast your vote for Carly Fiorina.

Carly Fiorina

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