(FREDERICK, MD) – A local Frederick man has caused the deaths of almost 6,000 people today, as his terrible driving decisions led multiple residents to develop brain aneurysms which then exploded, causing massive brain bleeding and death, all in the span of a few seconds. Using the eyewitness reports from a few lucky survivors, we have pieced together the order of events that led to this devastating tragedy of sheer stupidity.
- 7:35am Monday morning – Dale Hurwitz left his house in Rockville, Maryland, in a rush and got to his car. His 2008 Ford F-150 was inexplicably still covered in snow from the past few weeks, and because Dale was late for work – and if he was late again this month, he would be fired – he opted not to remove any of the 30+ inches of snow from his vehicle, instead only opting to clear the driver’s side windshield in order to be on his way to work.
- 7:48am – Dale merged on to I-270 North and accelerated to 75 miles per hour. At this speed, the majority of the snow piled atop Dale’s Ford flew off in a huge chunk, crashing to the ground in a barrage of ice and snow, and blinding drivers across all four lanes. It is believed this incident caused 250 immediate brain aneurysms. Dale continued his commute, unaware of the chaos he just created.
- 7:53am – Dale’s truck was rid of the majority of its snow, and Mr. Hurwitz decided to clean the rest of his windshield, utilizing his vehicle’s windshield washer fluid. With the amount of accumulated frost and ice, Dale kept his fluid spraying for about 27 seconds. The volume of liquid was enough to create a back-spray over the top of his truck and onto the vehicle behind him. Sarah Marks was in the backseat of her father’s 1977 Datsun 280z when it happened:
“It was [my father’s] first time taking his baby out since the snow, you know? He had just had it hand washed and waxed, and wanted me to have a real ‘car’ experience. All of a sudden, this disgusting green water started hitting the windshield, and it was sticking, too, like some sort of, goop. I couldn’t see my dad’s face, but I just heard this guttural growling and hissing, and he was shaking so bad…I heard a loud ‘POP’ and then the car drifted into the shoulder barricade. How could someone be so inconsiderate?”
Sarah and her father weren’t the only ones to suffer from a highway windshield cleaning; it is estimated another 100 brain bursts were caused due to this incident.
- 8:17am – It is believed Mr. Hurwitz remembered he was in possession of a Starbucks gift card from Christmas, and decided to treat himself to a nice Java Chip Frappuccino. Needing to cross from the far left-lane over four lanes to get to the I-70 East exit, Dale proceeded to begin moving over, without ever turning on his turn signal. Combined with the fact the ice and snow still covered his driver and passenger-side mirrors, he unknowingly cut off 15 drivers, forcing many stomped break-pedals and near misses for hundreds of cars behind. Those drivers in the immediate vicinity head’s exploded in an instant, with the cars forced to slow down behind them bursting minutes later, as they could not understand why there was so much traffic this early in the morning.
Judging by the condition of the bodies surrounding the Starbucks, Mr. Hurwitz arrived at the coffee shop around 8:31am. Due to the positioning of the bodies and the available parking spaces when Police arrived, it was deduced that Dale parked his F-150 perpendicular to the standard parking lines across two handicap parking spaces, with his truck bed over-flowing into a third space. All three spaces happened to be the only ones directly in front of the main entrance. Employees were flabbergasted.
“I thought another SWAT team was about to burst in! The way he pulled up, parked and got in, not a care for other human beings. We all stopped and stared as he entered; he even looked back at his truck, verifying that he explicitly knew what he had done, and he just kept that smug look on his face as he ordered a frappe.” – Melony Unger, 5-year Barista
As other patrons walked up to the front door, their brains literally could not comprehend what they were seeing, and they too erupted in a shower of grey matter, neurons, and blood.
It is also noted the Mr. Hurwitz asked if he could pay with his Discover card, which caused all employees and customers within earshot to also suffer a deathly aneurysm explosion.
- 8:39am – Dale re-entered the highway, this time for some reason with his high beams glaring. Although this caused no deaths, the hashtag #WTFHighBeamsMan was trending locally for about 20 minutes.
- 8:50am – Other witnesses claim they saw the Ford F-150’s break lights come on, and Dale Hurwitz abruptly pulled over onto the right shoulder of the highway. This was followed by the illumination of the truck’s reverse/backing up lights, and the vehicle began rolling backwards. The thousands of cars that drove past this highway-reversing truck crashed in the next few seconds to minutes, less than a mile down the road, due to the wonder and amazement caused by the stupidest thing the people of Frederick have ever seen. One survivor of the event, Willard Coffee, offers a theory –
“I was on my way to work, when I see a car on the shoulder. Now normally this would not have caught my eye, but the car was backing up! On the highway! My first thought was, who would do such a thing? What possible purpose could it serve? I tried to rationalize it, but absolutely no idea I came up with would be a good reason to reverse your car down the highway! My brain began to hurt, when finally something came to me: Maybe, a few weeks to months to years ago, the driver was in some sort of bank heist, and had made out with millions of dollars in cash! But, the cops were on to them, and they had to dump the money quick. So as soon as they were out of sight from the cops, they took the money and buried it quickly by the side of the road, and left again before the cops saw them bury it. Then, he got arrested, and has been biding his time until he could get out and get the money. But, his heist buddies are also getting out at the same time, so he came flying down the highway looking for some marker or clue, and he drove past! So, he needed to reverse so he could be at the right spot to dig up the money quick, put it in his truck, and get the hell away before his other jail friends could beat him to it. Luckily, this stopped my brain from exploding, but unfortunately I still crashed my car into the enormous pile-up of cars that resulted from everyone else getting a brain aneurysm and dying.”
In fact, Dale was too busy enjoying his Java Chip that he missed his work exit completely. Instead of continuing to drive and taking the next available exit, Dale decided it would be more convenient for him to just back-up the mile and a half to his normal work exit. The missed exit was the site of the majority of brain aneurysm-related brain-burstings and car accidents.
At the time of writing, Dale Hurwitz has been places in custody, but no charges have been formally filed due to the fact that everyone person who reads the case file develops a brain aneurysm and dies within a few minutes. Please stay tuned for further developments in the case.