Minute by Minute Speculation About What Happened During the 30 minutes Ted Cruz and Ben Carson Spent in the Closet Together

Recent reports have an uncovered an attempt by Ted Cruz and Ben Carson to set aside their differences while meeting privately in a storage closet. As the GOP fights to get into the room where it happens, a nation is focused solely on what happened in that closet. Once the news hit the web, our political analyst Lydia Hadfield began to break down the pair’s secret meeting.

Minute 1: Cruz wants to turn the light off, Carson wants the light left on.
Minute 2: Carson explains that “scary ghoulies” come out when the lights are turned off.
Minute 3: Cruz tells Carson he doesn’t want God to see what happens next
Minute 4: Carson knocks over a janitor’s bucket.
Minute 5: Cruz whisper-yells at Carson, “Now everyone will know we’re in here!”
Minute 6: Carson starts to cry.
Minute 7: Cruz pulls Carson upright when Carson is about to slide down the wall and sit in the puddle.
Minute 8: Cruz cradles Carson’s head to his breast and softly starts to sing “Memories” from Cats.
Minute 9: Carson comments that it’s a nice song, and he can hear Cruz’s chest buzzing with music.
Minute 10: Cruz says, “Before I say anything, let me say, I love my wife.”
Minute 11: Carson says that “all females are sacred when they are in the womb, or pouch if they’re a marsupial.” Cruz asks Carson if he can hear his heartbeat.
Minute 12: Carson listens.
Minute 13: Carson listens some more.
Minute 14: “Whose heartbeat, yours or mine?” Carson asks for clarification.
Minute 15: “Mine,” says Cruz, very slowly.
Minute 16: Carson presses his ear harder against Carson’s soft, denim encased breast
Minute 17: Carson listens
Minute 18: Carson closes his eyes and listens.
Minute 19: Carson tells Cruz he can turn out the lights because he feels safe now.
Minute 20: Cruz shoves Carson petulantly away and asks if he can hear how hurt his heart is by the mean things they’ve been saying about each other.
Minute 21: Carson says that he is not a heart specialist. He begins an anecdote about a “splinky” brain tumor he encountered when he was actively practicing.
Minute 22: Cruz finds a snack-size packet of Fritos on the janitorial shelf and begins stress eating.
Minute 23: Carson doesn’t remember what happened next in the story. He sits in the puddle and prays to God to help remind him.
Minute 24: Cruz tells Carson that he often thought they could be pals if they weren’t rivals.
Minute 25: Carson holds a finger to his lips to indicate that he is praying, not listening.
Minute 26: Cruz begins to pray silently, acting like he is asking God for help in speaking to Carson, but really he is asking God to forgive him for breaking his strict campaign-trail diet, and for God to please not let Heidi notice the Fritolicious scent on his breath.
Minute 27: Carson winds up his anecdote recalling that God spoke to him in a mid-surgery nap and told him where to find the tumor.
Minute 28: Carson notices a dead cricket by the puddle when he is sitting. Points it out to Cruz.
Minute 29: Cruz gasps, “Jesus Christ!” He hates crickets and begins monologue about the subject and how it stemmed from a fourth grade sleepover
Minute 30: Carson nods, “Jesus spoke to me through that cricket too. And he says we should stop saying so many mean things about each other.”
Minute 31: Mild arguing about who should leave the closet first. Cruz leaves. Carson stays for forty eight more minutes by himself.

Lydia Hadfield

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