Ben Carson Comes Out of Hibernation in Time for Super Tuesday

This week saw an unprecedented, energetic Ben Carson kick in the doors to his campaign headquarters, ready to take charge of his presidential campaign just in time for the Super Tuesday primaries. Those close to the candidate have reported that his sleepy demeanor was actually the result of a long-held sleep pattern developed shortly before Dr. Carson separated a pair of conjoined twins.

Carson chronicled the process in his memoir Gifted Hands:

The surgery was to last four hours. Any well-rested surgeon will begin to get the finger shakes after two hours of intensive surgery so I knew I had to develop a way to stay rested as the surgery progressed. I began to practice the motions until I could literally do it in my sleep. As time went on I perfected the method, allowing myself to sleep for day, even weeks at a time, without notice. I would communicate with patients, perform complex surgeries, and be present for important family events while asleep. My daughter’s wedding is an actual dream to me.”

Behind the scenes, Dr. Carson has survived the election with the help of his well-maintained sleep team. For most events, Carson is placed on a pair of roller skates and given a good shove towards a podium. From there he’s on autopilot, able to deliver a speech without the audience noticing a mental disconnect from the world around him.

“It’s an incredible breakthrough for politics!” said Carson’s business manager, Armstrong Williams. “Just imagine the possibilities! We can save tax payer dollars by allowing congressmen to spout off their deeply held beliefs while asleep. They could work for 24 straight hours without a break for food or accommodation. As long as they have the right folks pushing them into place they can avoid an entryway snafu like at the New Hampshire debate. I’ll admit that was rough, but Ben’s teaching me how to use the technique in my own life and I’m already looking forward to waking up to the Carson presidency.”

Though effective for Carson, this new method of sleep campaigning has its detractors. Among them is Carson’s former campaign manager Barry Bennett: “Sure he was in the room, actively participating in conversation, but he was never actually there. You have to be engaged to run a successful campaign and I couldn’t work with a candidate who’s coasting by making statements like ‘the Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if they had guns.’ That dream logic doesn’t work in the real world.”

Now wide-awake, Carson has been seen doing cartwheels on the campaign trail. He’s connecting with voters like never before, joking and laughing. He once became so excited at the prospects of his presidential campaign that he was heard yelling from two blocks away. Carson now presents an energy that surpasses that of Donald Trump and has reportedly fractured 87 wrists giving out campaign trail handshakes.

This uptick in energy from the candidate has many supporters at ease, now knowing Carson is actually excited to run for president. With poll numbers through the roof, it looks like he may turn around the race and take home the nomination. This is believed to be good news for the GOP, who is currently at odds with their idealist frontrunner. Studies show Carson will likely grow tired and reenter his sleep cycle in October, just ahead of the general election.

Kevin Cole

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