At 2:10pm on March 2nd, 2016, Dr. Ben Carson 2016, unable to see a path forward, took advantage of his medical degree and found it was time for a “death with dignity.” Carson 2016 lived for a short 10 months, a time which seemed to feel like an eternity for the candidate. Lost in the throws of medicinal retirement, the candidate enjoyed thorough bedrest until 10 minutes prior to every campaign event. This experimental method of sleep-campaigning was initially believed to leave candidates more energetic than ever imagined, though it had the opposite effect on Carson 2016.
We at The Annual covered the lifespan of Dr. Ben Carson 2016 from the start when we pegged him as a candidate akin to Dr. Frankenstein. We followed Carson 2016 closely in the early days of the debates, a simpler time when he seemed to be a soft spoken version of Donald Trump 2016, a potential frontrunner capable of making sensible xenophobic statements our families could echo on Facebook. He soon spiraled out of control with his revisionist views on history which some say verged on historic-fan-fiction. Eventually we got a glimpse behind the candidates’ eyes to see the world as he does.
Once a contender, Carson 2016 soon fell behind in the polls. On the night of the first primary, Ted Cruz 2016 began to spread rumors that Carson 2016 had left the race. This led to a tense 30 minute meeting in a closet between the two which ultimately did little to save their friendship. Just a day after Super Tuesday, Dr. Ben Carson 2016 admitted that the rumors were true, he had ended his campaign weeks prior when Cruz 2016 initially spread the word. From that point on he was in the race to prove that he was the bigger man. It was clear the candidate no longer cared about electability when he said he would break from party lines to nominate a new supreme court justice if he only had a year left in office. This nomination would not be made on the basis of legal skills but the fruit salad of the nominee’s soul, which led him to announce his cabinet consisting of The Wiggles.
With his passing, we at The Annual would like to award Dr. Ben Carson 2016 with our first President-Superlative for History’s Least Enthusiastic Candidate. Never before have we seen a candidate enter and exit the fray with a noncommittal “meh.” We hope this brings about a new age of presidential candidates who just can’t find anything better to do. At last, Dr. Ben Carson 2016 can get the rest he so eagerly desired. Goodnight, sweet prince.