Bachelor Upset! Ben Higgins Chooses Koko the Signing Gorilla

Monday night, Season 20 of ABC’s hit show The Bachelor came to its BONKERS conclusion. In an turn of events that can only be described as “unprecedented” and “not at all scripted”, Bachelor Ben Higgins pronounced his love for both of the remaining contestants and then promptly dumped the pair. He then went way off script, getting down on one knee for a contestant that he sent packing weeks ago.

For those who haven’t been following along, 26-year-old software salesman Ben Higgins’ journey led him through the elimination of over two dozen women, leaving him to choose between Hot Blonde Flight Attendant Lauren and Hot Brunette Real Estate Developer Jojo. “I’m so torn; my heart is in two different places” Ben agonizes, fighting back tears. “I can’t sleep. This is is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.”

The final rose ceremony moment arrives and Ben is visibly wracked with uncertainty, but a decision must be made. The first helicopter lands and out steps Jojo. Historically, the first man or woman to arrive at the rose ceremony is generally the one who is sent home square-mouth crying in the back of a tinted SUV. While many quietly celebrate Lauren’s assumed victory, Jojo proclaims her love for Ben, delivering her profound truth: “I love you with all my heart.” To which Ben replies, “I didn’t know if I could find love. I found it with you” (!!!!!!!), but follows up with “… But I found it with somebody else more.” Yikes. Torture. Jojo hurriedly departs in tears and Ben follows her to the car, attempting to comfort her by saying all the wrong things. They share a very pathetic embrace, and Jojo leaves.

Next up is Lauren, who must be the winner, right? WRONG! The second helicopter lands, and the blonde bombshell Lauren emerges, meeting Bachelor host Chris Harrison at the door. She, too, approaches Ben with an impassioned smile. But alas, Ben repeats his narrative, stating that his heart belongs to someone else.

…WHAT?! But whom if not Lauren!?

After having broken two hearts, Ben wears a warm and weirdly contagious smile as he stares off into the woods. The camera cuts to a nearby tree, slowly pulling into focus. Descending the palm tree is Bachelor contestant Koko the Signing Gorilla, who had been eliminated in week 5 because Ben felt as though they “weren’t communicating well.”

Koko approaches Ben, dressed to the nines in a beautiful Jason Wu gown with a sweetheart neckline and the rest, as they say, is history. Ben proposed to her with a 22 karat ring in a bouquet of fresh bananas.

“It was weird. We communicated better when she wasn’t around” he explains. “We just….. kept in touch. I never stopped loving her.”

“She’s beautiful,” shares Ben Higgins, “I like that she’s so… natural, unlike like the other girls.” Indeed, Benjamin. It must be refreshing to spend time with a woman who doesn’t look like she was dethroned from a Fox News desk because her vocal fry was too strong.

Congratulations to the happy couple! We here at The Annual wish you many years of wedded bliss!

Christine McQuaid

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