Listen up folks, I’m going to be honest with you, this week is going to get bleak. Ungodly bleak. I’m talking “your idol was brutally murdered by his own people” bleak. This week will be fine for the most part but in the end it’s going to turn on a dime and things will change quicker than you ever thought a logical justice system was capable of.
I promise that after all the heartbreak, self-flagulation, literal bloodshed, and biblical torture porn is done, things are really going to turn around. Next week is going to kick off in a big way. Christ won’t be dead for long (Spoiler alert: he comes back next week)! All you have to do, is survive this mundane, awful week and I promise it will be much better next time around.
That is, if you subscribe to that religion. Shit, you may be an atheist – so to you I say “L’chaim!” because things are on course to stay pretty much the same. You’ll have the typical highs and lows all manifesting of your own creation and that’s great. A Friday that’s a real bummer for most will actually be a good Friday for you! You are in control of your own destiny, you are a god, or you could be if you believed in that kind of thing.
Perhaps you’re Jewish and read all the way through this to see if you were included. Don’t worry, dear Jewish reader, I haven’t forgotten you! Break out the Mevushal Wine because it’s Purim time! Purim is “the most joyous and fun holiday on the Jewish calendar” but don’t take it from me, take it from JewFaq.org! If the purim meal is anything like the Passover Seder I enjoyed as a young Methodist, you’ve got plenty to look forward too. And if Purim is very much the Jewish equivalent of Thanksgiving (as I have gleaned from the film For Your Consideration) you’ll have a week of leftovers to look forward to as well. Fast not, fear not, and a very merry Purim one and all and may all your Friday’s be good!