PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla. – A recent tragedy struck close to Holiday home Friday night, leaving the entire human race shaken.
Panama City Beach reports that Dasher, the eldest of Santa’s reindeer has died due to a drug overdose. According to recent reports, the other seven have been comatose since hospitalization. “We won’t know the damage of injuries sustained until they wake up. If they wake up.” stated Dr. Joy, head of the medical team at Bay Medical Center.
The group was visiting Panama City Beach from their hometown, the North Pole. “They told me they were planning to stay local for spring break.” explains Durolph*, a coworker shares via phone interview. “… although we have had a stressful few weeks of Q1 inventory. I wonder why they didn’t invite me.”
The preliminary autopsy report on Dasher indicates the presence of “Atnas,” a compound commonly found in emerging street drug Oxyheroin. Also known as “Father Kushmas” and “Snow Blower,” Oxyheroin is a potent mix of marijuana and cocaine that is rapidly gaining popularity among adolescent reindeer aged 16 to 22. Health care professionals are calling it an “epidemic that must be stopped.”
Panama City Beach Police Department have issued a public statement grieving the news and shared their commitment to finding and shutting down all local Oxyheroin outlets. The investigation is open and ongoing.
While Mr. Santa Claus has remained silent on recent events, a spokesperson from the Holiday Elves’ Labor Union issued a statement saying that Mr. Claus and his wife are devastated by the news and are unlikely to accept interviews at this time.
The North Pole has not returned The Annual’s request for comment.
*Name changed per participant request.