Ted Cruz Was The Least Mean To Me

Running for president is a lot like going back to high school. You get to ride a bus, you have a “squad” and your mother is still reluctant to call you her favorite. However, the one thing I wasn’t ready for was the bullies. I thought I did my time, four years of being called four eyes, stuffed in lockers, having your mom refer to you “one of her four least favorite sons.” I left the election because I simply couldn’t take it anymore – every debate I’d show up to I was called loser, Baby-Bush, an accessory to 9/11.

During this time, Ted Cruz stood out as the least mean to me. Ben Carson was fairly polite, in fact, most of the candidates who spent the debates in silence were relatively nice guys. Of the two clear GOP frontrunners, Cruz spent the least amount of time attacking me. He always greeted me onstage with an strained smile. We’d shake hands and then he’d quickly wipe them off as if he had touched an unclean animal, but not once did he called me “a stink-faced weakling.”

Lately there have been allegations all over the web, claiming that Ted is actually the zodiac killer? I’m not sure how this got started, but as someone who has spent considerable time in the same room as Ted and I can safely say that he never murdered me. Do you remember the time Ben Carson said he stabbed a guy? I think “killer-Cruz” would have had a great chance to one-up him if he was a serial killer. And even if he is, so what? At least he’s cooped up in the White House for four years instead of roaming San Francisco looking for an easy kill.

This is why I am endorsing Ted Cruz. He wasn’t terribly mean to me, and if he’s president, he probably won’t kill you.

Jeb Bush

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