The Annual Mailbag – May 2016

At the start of every month, we open our mailbag to answer your questions! Send them to 

Dear Weirdos, after four years of hard work, it looks like I’ll be forced to repeat the 12th Grade, or at the very least attend summer school. I was formerly a straight-A student, but admittedly, senioritis hit hard this year. How can I be expected to do it all again now that I’ve experienced the wonderful world of slacking? Please send help! -Justin P.

Hey Justin, good news: we’re here for you. Senioritis is an epidemic that has plagued our high schools and colleges since students in their final year were called “seniors.” Luckily, you’re (presumably) over 16, which means at this point it’s totally legal for you to drop out of school. You did the time, no one will fault you for it.

The good news is, all employers and colleges really want to see is a diploma, which is perhaps the easiest thing to come by. Download a trial of Photoshop, grab a scan of someone else’s diploma off Google Images and swap out the names to fit you and your school. If a respected university asks why your GPA has tanked, simply fax them a copy of your diploma and tack on a classic witticism like “How do you explain this!?”

Enjoy your life Justin, and be careful, senioritis tends to hit hard at 65 and most cases can be fatal.

Dear Weirdos, I am still heartbroken over the loss of Prince this past month. How can I move on? -Carolynn S.

Carolynn, Carolynn, Carolynn. In these hard times just remember Harper Lee, who, against her will, published the follow up to To Kill A Mockingbird last year. Prince died with the integrity to leave the songs he felt weren’t good enough locked away in a vault. Fortunately for you, the music industry lacks any such integrity and Prince lacked a will, shortly after the bidding war, you’ll have your chance to hear new Prince songs sung by a hologram live at carnegie hall.

Dear Weirdos, I can’t say too much, but I’m a Super Delegate in the democratic party and I promised a certain someone that I would give them my vote. The problem is, my heart is being pulled in another direction… what should I do? – Bill C.

Well Bill,  when in doubt, check your constituent count. This is a good rule to follow, but as a Super Delegate we understand that you can vote against the voters who put you in power to begin with, and that’s okay. It depends on whether you want to be a part of a broken system or not.

Dear Weirdos, I have so many questions about the world, but I have a hard time opening up to strangers, what should I do? – Kelsi Q

Get some practice sending your questions to send a new question every week! Really fill that mailbag and trust us when we say it’ll pay off at the start of June.

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